Atonement

I am really enjoying reading this book, not because I agree with everything or because it's an "easy" read. I am enjoying it because I see the Islam in it, and that I love. Truth is truth regardless of the vehicle it comes through. I am thankful to have been blessed with an open mind to be able to see the truth and beauty in the things around me. Life is mathematics, cause and effect, when you can see and understand that, things become much more clear. You can see and predict outcomes better and you can better understand the past. When you see your life not going as planned, or taking a dive, you can go back, recalculate and find a better solution. It is really a beautiful thing.

Since I started reading, I have pushed through the difficult parts of this book, reading it as often as possible, even when I'm upset, taking the information in, letting it marinate on my mind and making a sincere effort in doing the assignments. I believe that my efforts in trying to understand this book have helped me to really see it in another light.

After thinking about some things the author wrote a little more carefully, I can hear the voices of the Honorable Elijah Muhammad and Minister Farrakhan ringing in my ear. The lessons she shares are not new. In the very beginning of the book, in one of the first assignments, she says to apologize to your husband. Apologize for trying to change him and for not accepting him the way he is and to promise to be a better wife. I have friends who read that and found it very difficult to comprehend, and quite frankly so did I. I did it though, as I posted before, but after thinking again on what that assignment really meant, I realize now that I cheated and did not in fact, do everything the assignment said to do.

The word "atonement" means satisfaction or reparation for a wrong or injury; amends. We were given 8 steps of atonement at the Million Man March by the Honorable Minister Farrakhan:

1. Point out the wrong
2. Acknowledgement of wrong
3. Confess the fault
4. Repentance; feeling of remorse
5. Atonement; making amends/reparations
6. Forgiveness by the offended party
7. Reconciliation/Restoration; becoming friendly and peaceable again
8. Perfect union with Allah(God) and with each other

The first step in the book is atonement! The very first assignment is to write down 10 things you like about yourself, this is self atonement, then apologize/atone with your husband. The key is, that it doesn't work unless you go through ALL of the steps!

I came to this realization as I was going through the assignments of the book, fitting them in when I could, when it felt natural and not forced and when the timing was right. I said the little stuff I was supposed to say, I gave compliments and tried hard to show my appreciation for my husband. But I was getting worried because it seemed like I wasn't getting quite the results I wanted. He still seemed to be holding back from me, I thought maybe it was because he wasn't quite sure how sincere I was or what to make of the whole thing. So I started thinking, what was I doing wrong? How come I wasn't getting the results these women in the book were getting? Maybe this stuff doesn't work for black people. I read through the assignments again, to see if I had missed anything. There were a couple I hadn't done yet, but the time hadn't been right for those, and I didn't see them as being a major hangup in the results.

So, I continued to read, hoping that something in the remaining chapters would clue me in as to what was going on. Then I came to Chapter 12: Masculine Pride, this chapter talks about all the things men take men pride in, how their pride is wounded and the effects of a wounded pride. One way to tell his pride has been wounded is he becomes reserved. The reserved man puts up a wall to protect himself from being wounded after he has experienced the pain of being wounded in the past. This took me back! Not only to the beginning of my journey into fascinating womanhood, but back to the beginning of my marriage and the mistakes I made then. I was 18 years old when I married my husband. I was fresh out of high school, barely loose from my mother's apron strings. I swore I was grown and ready to take on the world, thirteen years and many, many blessings later I can affirmatively say that I wasn't! Haha, who knew! I have to give thanks to the God for helping us to stay together, because we were both young and inexperienced. I made a lot of mistakes as a young wife, and I can think of many instances when I unintentionally wounded his fragile pride. That's when it hit me, I had never really atoned with my husband for the mistakes I had made then, and as a result we were both still suffering from their effects.

That's when I realized, that first assignment in the book is talking about atonement, it sets the tone and lays the foundation for all the rest of the assignments. You can't even get a good result from the other assignments unless you do the first one correctly.
It took me a long time to even attempt to do that first assignment, and even when I finally did it, I tweeked it in a way that made it a little more comfortable for me to do, but that wasn't necessarily the best thing for the purpose it was meant to fill. If you recall from a previous posting, I told him I apologized for trying to change him and that I realized that he is already a good person and that I would turn my energy into working on myself. But that's not what the assignment said to do, and that's not the complete process of atonement. She says in the book, to tell him "I can see that I have not understood you in the past and that I have made many mistakes." That's pointing out the wrong, your own wrong, whether intentional or not, it must be brought to light and acknowledged. Did that, okay. Then she says "I'm glad you have not let me push you around...you have not been putty in my hands...you have your convictions". That's remorse, feeling regret for what you have done, letting him know you're glad it didn't work, lol. Next, "Will you forgive me for not understanding you?" Step 6 in the process of atonement! How can you say you have atoned with someone and you have not asked their forgiveness AND received it. I asked my husband not to say anything just listen, because I was so nervous and I really wasn't ready to ask for his forgiveness, but that's not the process. The last thing is to say " Let me prove to you that I can be a wonderful wife". That is part of step 7, restoration of the relationship which leads to a perfect union. I told him, I will focus on working on myself, not the same thing.

So basically, I didn't properly atone so I am not able to reap the same benefits as if I had done it right. I'm not disappointed though, I'm actually glad it worked out this way. Sometimes you can appreciate things a little better when doing it YOUR way doesn't work out. Now I see the benefit and purpose in what the author was suggesting, and in the steps of atonement that we were given all those years ago. So, I can do it again, this time sincerely and with understanding instead of just going through the motions. My husband can sense insincerity a million miles away, so even though he gave me a pleasant response that first night, he may still be wary that it was not completely sincere.

I will do the assignment again, this time including ALL the parts and all my heart and without expectation. I will do it because I owe him that and because it is the right thing to do. I will do it and give him the opportunity to forgive me and just see where everything else goes.
Praise be to Allah for the light of understanding!