In the meantime

Well things have been good since dinner Saturday night. No major changes, just good. Today was kind of slow, I haven't done any more reading in a couple of days and I haven't worked on the last assignments.
As I walked around the house, cleaning up, I had to keep talking to myself, convincing myself to keep going with the program, because on the surface I didn't really want to. He hadn't done anything specifically to upset me, it was just this feeling that overcame me today. I just wanted to whine and complain and say to him "Oh my God, I just want this, this and this! I deserve it and it shouldn't be this hard to get it."
The problem that happens when you try to change someone into something else is, you begin to lose the attraction/affinity you had for them when they inevitably disappoint you. So sometimes I wonder if I will be able to feel the way I felt so many years ago. The book talks about this situation as well. There is the story of a woman who said she had lost all love for her husband (he was an out of work alcoholic). She wanted to file for divorce but found and read "Fascinating Womanhood" and applied the principles and she said she and her husband had never been happier.
The book gives a LOT of happy ending stories, but to me it doesn't give very much detail about "in the meantime". So this is my in the meantime, wanting to give up, wanting to crawl back in my little shell and sulk and complain about the things I don't have and tell him all the things I want. But I know better now, so I won't do that, even though I spent most of the day quiet to him. I danced around with the children and was able to get some work done around the house, but my husband and I didn't talk much today. I'm not going to worry too much about it, I'm going to take the good with the not-so-good, because that's real life. Not everything is perfect with a happy ending, somebody has to tell you what happens in the meantime.

I've learned that going through this book and doing these assignments is very similar to getting in shape physically. You start off and maybe you're really out of shape and maybe not so much out of shape, just not really fit. You may not be able to get through the first few workouts because you are using muscles that you haven't used either in a while or ever. You wake up sore and the thought of going back to the gym is totally unappealing. But, if you really want to get in shape, you keep going. Even if you're not completely sure it will work, you listen to your trainer and do those squats and push ups. You sweat and pant and and cry and your body aches and you get tired, but you keep your eyes on that new you that you want so much.
So just like in exercising your body, when you work on your marriage or any relationship you're in, you have to continue to work through those feelings and that pain that comes in the meantime.

Tomorrow I'm going to pick up my book again and work on some more assignments, I'm determined to get to a new me.