One step forward...one step back

I've been battling my old self since I started on this journey of self improvement. Trying to kill old habits and take on new ideas and perspectives, as good as they are, just isn't a very easy thing to do.
When you fight against old habits and ways, you  are sometimes fighting things that have been apart of you your whole life. For me, that means getting over the feeling of needing acknowledgement for the things I do for my husband and family.

We all want to feel appreciated for the good we do, I believe that is a natural human desire. I also believe that we shouldn't do things in search of that appreciation. I think I am a good person, and I strive hard to be a good wife and mother, but I also tend to calculate the things I do when they are difficult, and I have to admit, I do expect to hear "thank you" after some of those more difficult things that I do. That is an unfortunate side effect of some aspects of my upbringing. As I child, I was rewarded for going above and beyond in the things I did, from grades to chores, so growing up I expected that to always be the case.

Anyway, after my little "domestic goddess" moment the other day, my husband gave me a "to do" list that required some difficulty on my part, this was the second task of its kind. I didn't want to do it, it was a sacrifice that I didn't want to make at the time, but I did it anyway, for him. Afterward, I allowed my frustration over the situation to get the better of me and I sort of snapped. No yelling or anything, I just made one of those little sarcastic remarks that we as women sometimes come up with so easily (smile). I told him I knew he appreciated what I had done even if he didn't say it, but in a smug sort of way.

He "apologized" in his own way, it was more of "that's my bad". I already knew I had messed up when I made my little remark, but I was sure of it when I got the "my bad" apology. I had basically tried to force him to appreciate what I had done, and being the man, he struggled not to have his hand forced by me while still trying appease me and keep things smooth between us. Therefore, I get "my bad".

Things have been a little lukewarm since, sarcasm isn't one the F.W. principles, now I feel like I have to start over. I hate I did that, and I see the affects of it and why it isn't good to do. But I continue to reiterate that this is a learning experience for me. I do feel that I am making progress because at least I am aware when I slip up. Before it probably would have turned into a big thing and I would've kept it going. (Lol) It's funny now that I think back on it, but I am moving forward from here.

 I see another thing that keeps coming up though. I see the need to find a balance between what I express and what I accept. I know myself, and I can only hold on to and accept certain things for so long before losing my cool and turning the little thing(s) that are bothering me into a big issue. I have to be able to express how I feel calmly, in the moment without letting things fester, but I also should 1. not let little things bother me and learn to look at the big picture and 2. make sure that I take care of his spirit and not constantly bombard him with negative feelings but also give up some positive accolades and encouragement as well.

So maybe this wasn't really a step back, in one sense it totally was, but in another sense there was growth in the process and that is always a forward move.

Now, on to the next assignment, showing appreciation for his making the living...hopefully I will have some positive results to share...(fingers crossed).