I DID IT!!!

I finally took that step! I apologized to my husband for trying change him! That is a huge step for me.

We had plans to see a movie last night. All the children had plans, so we were going to take advantage of the time. Turns out, we missed all the show times that would work for us, so we opted to go have dinner instead.

I was starving initially and in no mood for conversation, lol. But as I got full and we started talking, I just looked at him and listened to him, and watched his passion in what he was saying. I have read now, through chapters 4: appreciate him and 5: admire him, still not having done the assignment from chapter 3. I was trying to apply the things from these other chapters, listening to him and focusing not only on what he's saying, but on the man talking. That was actually part of the assignment from chapter 5.
I realized a pattern in myself, a lack of verbal expression for how I feel. I can write all day, but in this book there an emphasis placed on verbally expressing appreciation, admiration and such. It makes you feel vulnerable on the inside to put yourself out there like that, because once you say something it's out there. But I think that's why it's so important to do, because deep down, the other person knows how hard it can be sometimes to say certain things, which makes what you say mean so much more. So I'm working on my verbal expressions of love and admiration.
I still have to do the assignments from chapter 4; to make a list of his virtues and show appreciation for these things during the week, and to express appreciation for his making a living.
I've actually done this before, last year I gave him a big surprise party for his birthday and announced to him in front of everyone that I appreciated him working so hard so that I could stay home and for my beautiful house that he had provided me with. That didn't get much of a rise from him, and I was a little disappointed at that. However, I realized after last night, for him, and maybe most men, it means more when I can tell him quietly, gently and sincerely with just the two of us.

So anyway, I was looking at him, the hour was getting late and I knew this would be the perfect opportunity. Finally, I said "I have to tell you something, and I don't want you to say anything". I got nervous and starting laughing, but he was already intrigued so I continued. I said "I want to apologize to you. I realized after 13 years that I've been trying to change you and mold you into my ideal whatever, and you are already a really good person." I told him I was going to stop trying to change him and I was now focused on working on me, to make me better for him. He looked at me with this blushing look on his face and his eyes got so soft, and he couldn't help but smile. He just smiled this sweet smile and said "I really appreciate that", and I knew he meant it.

I smiled and didn't say anything else, I didn't want to over analyze things are say something stupid like a dumb joke to ruin the moment. It was great.

What I feared was that he would think I was patronizing him, because I do that sometimes and he can tell. I couldn't say it the way she wrote it in the book because that's not how I talk and he would definitely think I was patronizing him then. I had to put it in a way that was sincere in my heart so that he would feel that sincerity and not think it was anything else.

So I tackled the first task. This week I will be working on those assignments from chapter 4 and tonight I'm going to work on the ones from chapter 5; write down 10 masculine things I admire about him and then together we write down 10 things we like about each other then read them off, again with verbal expression, no exchanging lists! And I'm still working on the very first assignment I chose, to be a domestic goddess! More to come...working on filling up this Love Booklet with all his lovely gestures!!!

Chapter 3: Accepting Him

Here comes the challenge, accepting your man for who he is and how he is, to resist every urge to tell him what to do and how to do it, to keep yourself from nagging, fussing or arguing with him about his ways. This is where we tend to fall off the wagon ladies! In the book there is a story about a woman with an alcoholic husband. She eventually apologizes to him for trying to change him and accept that he is a good man and his disease is simply a flaw in character. That's a serious bullet to bite, I can't even imagine having to do that. I am eternally grateful that I don't have that particular issue. However, she gives some good suggestions on how to accept just about any issue you can think of.
So far, this chapter has been the hardest one for me. I was very young, and actually kind of scared when I got married. I convinced myself that I could do this because I wasn't going to let him make me miserable in this thing. I loved him, but it was so scary and unknown what I was getting into, straight out of high school, that I went on the offensive from the very beginning. I was afraid that I would be unhappy, so to ensure that I wasn't I went in trying to mold my new husband into someone who would never hurt or disappoint me. To read the chapter on accepting him was truly a wake up call, one that I most definitely needed but one that was still difficult to accept. I am having to reprogram my thinking now, to look at me more and accept him all the way. At the end of the chapter there a 7 rules for acceptance, throughout our marriage I had broken ALL of them.
Part 1 of the assignment in this chapter said list his faults HONESTLY, but not so you can gripe about them later, but so you will know what it is you will have to accept. (soooo tough!!!) I did that, it was kind of hard thinking of everything off the top of my head, some things I had to write down as they happened. Like, oh yeah, I hate it when he plays that stupid video game! But surprisingly, the list wasn't as long as I thought it would be, lol and I am putting forth a very sincere effort to accept these things. For now I just keep quiet, I try hard not say anything negative or nagging. I look at him and say to myself "these are apart of him, these little flaws. I have mine too so no sense in getting all upset about his". I'm hoping soon I won't have to talk to myself at all! (That's a work in progress)
I made a Love Booklet, part 3 of this assignment, to write down the loving things my husband does as I embark upon my journey into becoming a Fascinating Woman! I look forward to reading it back to him one day and smiling about it together.
The second part of the assignment is really, really hard for me. It is to say something like this to your husband: "I am glad you are the kind of man you are. I can see that I have not understood you in the past and that I've made many mistakes. But, I am glad that you have not allowed me to push you around. You have not been like putty in my hands, but have had the courage of your convictions. Will you forgive me for not understanding you, and let me prove to you that I can be a wonderful wife?"
Now if you are a woman reading this, raise your hand if there is even a slight chance that this would be hard for you to do. After thinking about all your disappointments and hurt feelings throughout the marriage, it might even be difficult if someone were asking you to apologize to each other. But to be the only who apologizes...sheesh! It feels like I might as well say "You are always right and everything you do is perfect. I am beneath you and I am now here to serve your every desire"!

But remember his nature, if you have a good man, he will know what to do with this and you won't have released any of your power as a woman, but you will have gained his trust and you will start the process of regaining his love.
I believed it, eventually, but it took me a lot longer to do it. More on that later.

Starting the process

I started reading "Fascinating Womanhood" three weeks ago, today I am only on page 94. I am taking my time, taking notes, making observations, soaking it all in.
I am reading through EVERYTHING, from the very first page to all those stories and testimonials that seem too good to be true. I'm taking this book like the doctor tells you to take antibiotics, take it til it's gone. That's the only way I will know if it really works.
When I started reading I began  soaking up the stories of women like Mumtaz, wife of the Shah, Dora and Agnes in the story of David Copperfield and I tried to imitate what I thought they were like. I tried to be quiet and sweet, I made a special effort not to nag or criticize or complain. Then I tried being more affectionate and saying little sweet things I thought an "angelic" wife would say. I tried to become that "ideal woman" Helen Andelin talks about in chapter 2. I got some results, my husband returned the affection, he sometimes corrected his own mistakes and in those moments when there was a silence where I might normally say something nagging we were able to laugh about it because we both knew what I would have said. But for us this wasn't much of anything new. We have  had our moments when things are really good between us, and we can laugh and kiss and hold hands, no problem. But I still wasn't FEELING that big change  that I wanted. Granted this is only after about a week of reading and only the first two chapters at that!
Then I realized I hadn't done any of the assignments the way she gave them. So I went back to do that. The first one was to write down 25 things you like about yourself. In seeing that, I thought it would be really easy, like why would she even put something like that in there. But as I got passed 10 things my momentum started to slow and I was surprised that I had to really stop and think to finish the list. Then I had a terrible thought, how many other women would find this difficult to do. How many women wouldn't even be able to finish the list. I was saddened by this thought. But I also realized why she put this as the first assignment. The ideal woman from a man's point of view has a quality of INNER happiness, that is, being happy with yourself. We spend so much time focusing on the things we like and don't like in our spouses and in other people AND the things we DON'T like about ourselves, that we rarely stop and think about ourselves and take note of the things we do like. We should all do that periodically. Just stop and think about yourself for a while. Think about what you like about yourself. I put some physical characteristics like my hips and my lips, and character traits like my strength and flexibility, and I put personality traits like being a good friend. Whatever you like goes! This helps to reaffirm a sense of pride and self confidence which  leads to inner happiness. If this doesn't come first, the whole process of becoming the ideal woman goes for naught.
The second part of that first assignment was to make an Angelic Human chart, which she illustrates in the book, and choose one quality that you lack, work on it for a week and note your husband's favorable reaction. I chose to work on the quality of being a domestic goddess. No favorable reactions yet, cause I'm still working on that one! =)

Work on Yourself!

Like I said, some of the things I read in "Fascinating Womanhood" are hard for me to accept, simply because of the way I have been programmed in this world. Knowing that is the reason I force myself to keep reading and not only read the words, but I look at what they mean, internalize them and give them meaning in my own life.

As I read the first few pages of the book, my black woman instincts came into play. I twisted my lips and thought to myself "Yeah right, that's just not me. Besides, is that what BLACK men really want from a woman?" She starts out in the very beginning saying "If your husband doesn't love you, you are likely doing something to cool his affections, or have lost something which awakens his love." I was like WTH! I thought I had been a good wife to him all these years, despite not getting everything I wanted out of the relationship, I fulfilled what I presumed to be my wifely duties. And now here is this woman telling me that his lack of love for me is MY fault. I did a deep "woosah" and kept reading. In the very next paragraph she goes on to say in winning your husband's love he doesn't need to know or DO anything about it. I was shocked! You mean, I have to do ALL the work, and he gets to just sit back and enjoy ALL the benefits. For a moment I was too through. But, I exhaled and kept reading. I kept thinking, "I'm not gonna let this punk me." A little unconventional thinking, but hey, whatever works. I kept reading and kept reading, and sure enough things started to make more sense.

Again I turned to nature, to look at the natural order of things. Everything in nature changes itself to fit the situation it has found itself in. Trees bend themselves to the wind to keep from breaking and to weather the storm. Flowers are made in attractive colors and scents to entice bees which help with  pollination. They don't grab a bee and force it to suck some nectar. Bears hibernate, birds fly south, squirrels hide food. Animals give in to nature, and thus they live in harmony with nature. We are the only ones that overlook the nature of our mates and try to change them into what we want them to be.

I continued to look around me for examples of ways we change OURSELVES for a greater outcome. I have studied martial arts for over 20 years. Ib self defense, when trying to fend off an attacker, you are more likely to be successful if you maneuver YOURSELF in response to what he's doing rather than try to fight him with muscle and change what he's doing.
For example. If he throws a punch, you are more likely to have a safe outcome if you simply move out of the way,  instead of trying to grab his hand to move HIM. We use the force of the attacker to throw him, we follow the natural momentum of his body to avoid injuring ourselves, we change our position to make a better counter attack. We never try to force the attacker to do anything, because we know, in reality, that is not possible.

So, I got over my little hangups about him not having to do anything rather quickly. I realized once I change myself to fit into the nature of him and fulfill the nature in me, then I will get the results I'm looking for without the added stress and effort of trying to force him into where I want him to be. That he would eventually change himself to fit the new and improved me.

Back to our nature

I think a conversation my husband and I had about love stories in movies got me energized enough to read this book. We were talking about the difference between black love and white love as portrayed in movies. I had watched all these different movies and noticed some significant differences. I could go into a lot of detail about that, but for now I will stick to the book.
The conclusion we came up with is, that black people, because of everything we have been through, have been thoroughly removed from our nature as a people. We have been reduced to playas, pimps, baby daddies and mamas, and marriage, love and relationships have been down played in our communities. We accept the fact that black women have a mouth on us, a fierce attitude and a neck roll to go with it. We accept the fact that our brothers are playas, like to "spit game" at women and don't really want committed relationships. But what does our nature say? Despite our condition, we have a nature that was put in us by God.

Everything in existence is created with a nature that determines its role in this world. A lion is still a lion at heart despite the fact that a lion tamer may come along and train it to do tricks. You press that lion enough and he will bite your head off, because that is his nature. Just like that lion, human beings have a nature in which we were created. A nature that was written by God/the Creator, to govern our lives and ensure our success. The key is  to realize that the way we are currently living today as a whole, is NOT in accord with our nature. This is why, as a whole, we have not been successful in our relationships. There is 50% divorce rate in America, of that, 32% are among black people. In addition to all the other trials of life, could these statics also be due to the fact that we are operating outside of our nature?

That is what got me to look more deeply into the things in the book that seemed too difficult to accept. Even though I didn't feel like I could pull off some things because it just wasn't my personality or I didn't think that's what MY husband, a BLACK man, really wanted, I thought about what is really in his nature. There are things in our natures as men and women that we don't even know are there. He may think he is content with one thing until I do something or say something that awakens a part of his nature and arouses him like never before (I don't mean sexually).

I am learning to trust the unknowns of our natures. I am learning to trust the fact that even though I have never said or done certain things for my husband, I have the ability to do them and do them well and I can gain fulfillment from doing these things for him, and ultimately for us. I am also learning to trust the fact that the things in this book ARE in fact things that my husband wants from me. Some of them he has expressed a desire for, others he never even knew he wanted.

I am learning to dismiss the previous examples of love I had once looked to,  like in movies and celebrities and couples around me, because unfortunately, there are few examples of us really living by our nature. Don't get me wrong, there are SOME real examples of love and marital bliss and success that I can and do still refer to, but I am putting MORE of my focus on MY husband and his needs and desires and what insights deeper feelings of love within him.

An Introduction

I started this blog on April 28th 2012. I started it at the suggestion of a friend after telling her I was reading "Fascinating Womanhood" by Helen Andelin.

So, I am in the process of reading this book to help restore and increase the love in my marriage. My husband and I have been married for over 13 years. We married when I was only 18 and he was 20 and although we truly believed we were ready for marriage, because of our lack of life experience, we did make a lot of mistakes with each other. We have had a good marriage, but because of some of those past mistakes there are some lingering feelings of hurt and resentment between us that have had an adverse affect on our marriage and the love between us.

I had seen the book over the years in my mother's room growing up and never paid any attention to it. Years later a friend of mine told me her husband had her reading it, but I took no stock in anything this couple did or suggested. Two years ago, my mother passed, and I acquired her copy of this book that I had seen in her room so many years ago. However, I still did not pick it up to read it. Then, maybe two or three weeks ago, I was rushing out of the house and wanted to grab something to read while I waited for my children to finish their classes  that day. I looked through a box I hadn't unpacked yet and came across the book again and decided to take it with me.

By this time in our marriage my husband and I have tried many things in our efforts to get the most out of our relationship. We read books and articles together, we've listened to and taken the advice of our spiritual leaders, we took a marriage course at the Church of Scientology, we even separated for a few months some years back when I thought I was done trying. Everything helped a little bit, for a little while. But nothing has seemed to help us get that passion and "I'm so in love with you" feeling that we both want in our relationship. I was trying to get him to be how I wanted him to be, he was resisting my efforts and trying to change me in his own way.

When I picked up the book we weren't in the throws of any major fight or argument or anything. In fact we had just had one of our deep and revealing marital "discussions" a few weeks prior. But still, life between us was only hum drum. I picked up the book knowing it would be a difficult read for me. I had a read few pages before, and all the "Suzy homemaker" stuff she was talking about was NOT what I wanted to hear. At that time I was working and going to school and I felt like she didn't have a clue what it was like to be a "modern" woman in this day and age. But even knowing how I felt about the book, I resolved within myself to read it this time, thoroughly, from cover to cover. I would not skip any pages, I would not bounce around between chapters if I got bored or discouraged, and I would force myself to do ALL of the assignments no matter how difficult they seemed. I have had to renew this resolve several times just reading the first few pages. After reading the part where she says something about being able to fix things in your marriage without your husband doing anything, I had to pray and say, "Okay, I'm going to let go and let God handle him and I'm going to take control of me, since that's all I can really do".

So, that's what I am doing, I am working on me and this blog is just to chart my/our progress in the restoration of our marriage through the use of this book. I also wanted to do this to show Black women that we can do this. The book is written in the 1960s by a white suburban woman, and a lot of the examples and references she uses can be hard to relate to if you're a black woman in 2012. So I wanted this to be an example of how the PRINCIPLES in this book can and do transcend the color lines, all we have to do is let down our guard a little bit and make the effort.