The Official Site

The official website for Fascinating Womanhood  can be found at www.fascinatingwomanhood.net

Here you can find all of Helen Andelin's books, including "Fascinating Girl" for single women, and "Man of Steel and Velvet" the guide for men.

There are also study guides and online classes you can sign up for.

Be Creative to YOUR Situation

My husband is a naturally generous and giving person, so it really doesn't take a lot of prodding to get him to do things for me or the children. He also has a keen sense about things and can tell when I'm "doing too much".

Today, he was really sweet about skipping a few hours of work so the children and I could get some things done. When we got back home at the end of the day, I thanked him for it. I said; "Thank you for sacrificing part of your day for me and the children today, I really appreciated it." He kissed me on the forehead, then I said "You're so generous with your time". I was serious, but I KNEW that was taking it too far. He sort of laughed and said "Alright, don't go overboard".

Darn it!!! I knew that was too much! Lesson learned. In applying the principles, you have to know YOUR husband and you have to make sure your words are sincere and true to YOUR personality. You can't recite everything from the book just because she says so if it's not something you would normally say. That's not to say don't say them, it just means get creative, put them into your own words and do it in your own way. Your husband will be able to tell if you're being insincere or patronizing.

So, like I said, lesson learned. I'm going to have to really think the rest of this stuff through. My husband knows I'm reading the book, but I didn't want him to know I was being prompted by the reading. My plan: stay focused, stay on track, keep going. If he does think I'm being prompted by the book for things to say, then I'm going to have to prove to him that I do mean them. I told him at dinner that I would not try to change him anymore, so I won't, and I told him that I was working on me now, so I will continue to show him that I doing that. I will continue to listen to him, and show my appreciation for his virtues. I will be consistent in my efforts so that he will see that I am sincere.

He is a good husband, and I want to continue striving to be a good wife for him.

Join the Challenge

In addition to gaining the benefits of a happier, more loving relationship/marriage, I am enjoying challenging myself to be a better person and wife. It is very fulfilling watching the growth in myself and observing how differently I am viewing the world and the people around me.

I am inviting ALL the sistahs who see this blog to join me in reading and practicing Fascinating Womanhood. Just take your time and go as fast or slow as you need to. I know we are busy women, and have a LOT going on in our lives, but the rewards are truly remarkable and ultimately priceless. Do it for yourselves, NOT to change your man or gain something from him (that will come anyway) but to make you feel good inside because you know you are being the you God created you to be.

I encourage you to make comments, post your own stories and PLEASE share this site with all the women you love and care about, because even if you're marriage is great, or you're not married at all, I believe that this book can help in restoring us back to rightful place, as the Queens of our homes and families and of this Universe as a whole! Anything and everything is possible in unity, we can encourage each other when it comes to those assignments that get a little rough to complete and be inspired by each others successes. I pray we all find our peace and that you enjoy this reading even if you're not ready just yet to embark on your own journey.

In the meantime

Well things have been good since dinner Saturday night. No major changes, just good. Today was kind of slow, I haven't done any more reading in a couple of days and I haven't worked on the last assignments.
As I walked around the house, cleaning up, I had to keep talking to myself, convincing myself to keep going with the program, because on the surface I didn't really want to. He hadn't done anything specifically to upset me, it was just this feeling that overcame me today. I just wanted to whine and complain and say to him "Oh my God, I just want this, this and this! I deserve it and it shouldn't be this hard to get it."
The problem that happens when you try to change someone into something else is, you begin to lose the attraction/affinity you had for them when they inevitably disappoint you. So sometimes I wonder if I will be able to feel the way I felt so many years ago. The book talks about this situation as well. There is the story of a woman who said she had lost all love for her husband (he was an out of work alcoholic). She wanted to file for divorce but found and read "Fascinating Womanhood" and applied the principles and she said she and her husband had never been happier.
The book gives a LOT of happy ending stories, but to me it doesn't give very much detail about "in the meantime". So this is my in the meantime, wanting to give up, wanting to crawl back in my little shell and sulk and complain about the things I don't have and tell him all the things I want. But I know better now, so I won't do that, even though I spent most of the day quiet to him. I danced around with the children and was able to get some work done around the house, but my husband and I didn't talk much today. I'm not going to worry too much about it, I'm going to take the good with the not-so-good, because that's real life. Not everything is perfect with a happy ending, somebody has to tell you what happens in the meantime.

I've learned that going through this book and doing these assignments is very similar to getting in shape physically. You start off and maybe you're really out of shape and maybe not so much out of shape, just not really fit. You may not be able to get through the first few workouts because you are using muscles that you haven't used either in a while or ever. You wake up sore and the thought of going back to the gym is totally unappealing. But, if you really want to get in shape, you keep going. Even if you're not completely sure it will work, you listen to your trainer and do those squats and push ups. You sweat and pant and and cry and your body aches and you get tired, but you keep your eyes on that new you that you want so much.
So just like in exercising your body, when you work on your marriage or any relationship you're in, you have to continue to work through those feelings and that pain that comes in the meantime.

Tomorrow I'm going to pick up my book again and work on some more assignments, I'm determined to get to a new me.

I DID IT!!!

I finally took that step! I apologized to my husband for trying change him! That is a huge step for me.

We had plans to see a movie last night. All the children had plans, so we were going to take advantage of the time. Turns out, we missed all the show times that would work for us, so we opted to go have dinner instead.

I was starving initially and in no mood for conversation, lol. But as I got full and we started talking, I just looked at him and listened to him, and watched his passion in what he was saying. I have read now, through chapters 4: appreciate him and 5: admire him, still not having done the assignment from chapter 3. I was trying to apply the things from these other chapters, listening to him and focusing not only on what he's saying, but on the man talking. That was actually part of the assignment from chapter 5.
I realized a pattern in myself, a lack of verbal expression for how I feel. I can write all day, but in this book there an emphasis placed on verbally expressing appreciation, admiration and such. It makes you feel vulnerable on the inside to put yourself out there like that, because once you say something it's out there. But I think that's why it's so important to do, because deep down, the other person knows how hard it can be sometimes to say certain things, which makes what you say mean so much more. So I'm working on my verbal expressions of love and admiration.
I still have to do the assignments from chapter 4; to make a list of his virtues and show appreciation for these things during the week, and to express appreciation for his making a living.
I've actually done this before, last year I gave him a big surprise party for his birthday and announced to him in front of everyone that I appreciated him working so hard so that I could stay home and for my beautiful house that he had provided me with. That didn't get much of a rise from him, and I was a little disappointed at that. However, I realized after last night, for him, and maybe most men, it means more when I can tell him quietly, gently and sincerely with just the two of us.

So anyway, I was looking at him, the hour was getting late and I knew this would be the perfect opportunity. Finally, I said "I have to tell you something, and I don't want you to say anything". I got nervous and starting laughing, but he was already intrigued so I continued. I said "I want to apologize to you. I realized after 13 years that I've been trying to change you and mold you into my ideal whatever, and you are already a really good person." I told him I was going to stop trying to change him and I was now focused on working on me, to make me better for him. He looked at me with this blushing look on his face and his eyes got so soft, and he couldn't help but smile. He just smiled this sweet smile and said "I really appreciate that", and I knew he meant it.

I smiled and didn't say anything else, I didn't want to over analyze things are say something stupid like a dumb joke to ruin the moment. It was great.

What I feared was that he would think I was patronizing him, because I do that sometimes and he can tell. I couldn't say it the way she wrote it in the book because that's not how I talk and he would definitely think I was patronizing him then. I had to put it in a way that was sincere in my heart so that he would feel that sincerity and not think it was anything else.

So I tackled the first task. This week I will be working on those assignments from chapter 4 and tonight I'm going to work on the ones from chapter 5; write down 10 masculine things I admire about him and then together we write down 10 things we like about each other then read them off, again with verbal expression, no exchanging lists! And I'm still working on the very first assignment I chose, to be a domestic goddess! More to come...working on filling up this Love Booklet with all his lovely gestures!!!

Chapter 3: Accepting Him

Here comes the challenge, accepting your man for who he is and how he is, to resist every urge to tell him what to do and how to do it, to keep yourself from nagging, fussing or arguing with him about his ways. This is where we tend to fall off the wagon ladies! In the book there is a story about a woman with an alcoholic husband. She eventually apologizes to him for trying to change him and accept that he is a good man and his disease is simply a flaw in character. That's a serious bullet to bite, I can't even imagine having to do that. I am eternally grateful that I don't have that particular issue. However, she gives some good suggestions on how to accept just about any issue you can think of.
So far, this chapter has been the hardest one for me. I was very young, and actually kind of scared when I got married. I convinced myself that I could do this because I wasn't going to let him make me miserable in this thing. I loved him, but it was so scary and unknown what I was getting into, straight out of high school, that I went on the offensive from the very beginning. I was afraid that I would be unhappy, so to ensure that I wasn't I went in trying to mold my new husband into someone who would never hurt or disappoint me. To read the chapter on accepting him was truly a wake up call, one that I most definitely needed but one that was still difficult to accept. I am having to reprogram my thinking now, to look at me more and accept him all the way. At the end of the chapter there a 7 rules for acceptance, throughout our marriage I had broken ALL of them.
Part 1 of the assignment in this chapter said list his faults HONESTLY, but not so you can gripe about them later, but so you will know what it is you will have to accept. (soooo tough!!!) I did that, it was kind of hard thinking of everything off the top of my head, some things I had to write down as they happened. Like, oh yeah, I hate it when he plays that stupid video game! But surprisingly, the list wasn't as long as I thought it would be, lol and I am putting forth a very sincere effort to accept these things. For now I just keep quiet, I try hard not say anything negative or nagging. I look at him and say to myself "these are apart of him, these little flaws. I have mine too so no sense in getting all upset about his". I'm hoping soon I won't have to talk to myself at all! (That's a work in progress)
I made a Love Booklet, part 3 of this assignment, to write down the loving things my husband does as I embark upon my journey into becoming a Fascinating Woman! I look forward to reading it back to him one day and smiling about it together.
The second part of the assignment is really, really hard for me. It is to say something like this to your husband: "I am glad you are the kind of man you are. I can see that I have not understood you in the past and that I've made many mistakes. But, I am glad that you have not allowed me to push you around. You have not been like putty in my hands, but have had the courage of your convictions. Will you forgive me for not understanding you, and let me prove to you that I can be a wonderful wife?"
Now if you are a woman reading this, raise your hand if there is even a slight chance that this would be hard for you to do. After thinking about all your disappointments and hurt feelings throughout the marriage, it might even be difficult if someone were asking you to apologize to each other. But to be the only who apologizes...sheesh! It feels like I might as well say "You are always right and everything you do is perfect. I am beneath you and I am now here to serve your every desire"!

But remember his nature, if you have a good man, he will know what to do with this and you won't have released any of your power as a woman, but you will have gained his trust and you will start the process of regaining his love.
I believed it, eventually, but it took me a lot longer to do it. More on that later.

Starting the process

I started reading "Fascinating Womanhood" three weeks ago, today I am only on page 94. I am taking my time, taking notes, making observations, soaking it all in.
I am reading through EVERYTHING, from the very first page to all those stories and testimonials that seem too good to be true. I'm taking this book like the doctor tells you to take antibiotics, take it til it's gone. That's the only way I will know if it really works.
When I started reading I began  soaking up the stories of women like Mumtaz, wife of the Shah, Dora and Agnes in the story of David Copperfield and I tried to imitate what I thought they were like. I tried to be quiet and sweet, I made a special effort not to nag or criticize or complain. Then I tried being more affectionate and saying little sweet things I thought an "angelic" wife would say. I tried to become that "ideal woman" Helen Andelin talks about in chapter 2. I got some results, my husband returned the affection, he sometimes corrected his own mistakes and in those moments when there was a silence where I might normally say something nagging we were able to laugh about it because we both knew what I would have said. But for us this wasn't much of anything new. We have  had our moments when things are really good between us, and we can laugh and kiss and hold hands, no problem. But I still wasn't FEELING that big change  that I wanted. Granted this is only after about a week of reading and only the first two chapters at that!
Then I realized I hadn't done any of the assignments the way she gave them. So I went back to do that. The first one was to write down 25 things you like about yourself. In seeing that, I thought it would be really easy, like why would she even put something like that in there. But as I got passed 10 things my momentum started to slow and I was surprised that I had to really stop and think to finish the list. Then I had a terrible thought, how many other women would find this difficult to do. How many women wouldn't even be able to finish the list. I was saddened by this thought. But I also realized why she put this as the first assignment. The ideal woman from a man's point of view has a quality of INNER happiness, that is, being happy with yourself. We spend so much time focusing on the things we like and don't like in our spouses and in other people AND the things we DON'T like about ourselves, that we rarely stop and think about ourselves and take note of the things we do like. We should all do that periodically. Just stop and think about yourself for a while. Think about what you like about yourself. I put some physical characteristics like my hips and my lips, and character traits like my strength and flexibility, and I put personality traits like being a good friend. Whatever you like goes! This helps to reaffirm a sense of pride and self confidence which  leads to inner happiness. If this doesn't come first, the whole process of becoming the ideal woman goes for naught.
The second part of that first assignment was to make an Angelic Human chart, which she illustrates in the book, and choose one quality that you lack, work on it for a week and note your husband's favorable reaction. I chose to work on the quality of being a domestic goddess. No favorable reactions yet, cause I'm still working on that one! =)