Atonement

I am really enjoying reading this book, not because I agree with everything or because it's an "easy" read. I am enjoying it because I see the Islam in it, and that I love. Truth is truth regardless of the vehicle it comes through. I am thankful to have been blessed with an open mind to be able to see the truth and beauty in the things around me. Life is mathematics, cause and effect, when you can see and understand that, things become much more clear. You can see and predict outcomes better and you can better understand the past. When you see your life not going as planned, or taking a dive, you can go back, recalculate and find a better solution. It is really a beautiful thing.

Since I started reading, I have pushed through the difficult parts of this book, reading it as often as possible, even when I'm upset, taking the information in, letting it marinate on my mind and making a sincere effort in doing the assignments. I believe that my efforts in trying to understand this book have helped me to really see it in another light.

After thinking about some things the author wrote a little more carefully, I can hear the voices of the Honorable Elijah Muhammad and Minister Farrakhan ringing in my ear. The lessons she shares are not new. In the very beginning of the book, in one of the first assignments, she says to apologize to your husband. Apologize for trying to change him and for not accepting him the way he is and to promise to be a better wife. I have friends who read that and found it very difficult to comprehend, and quite frankly so did I. I did it though, as I posted before, but after thinking again on what that assignment really meant, I realize now that I cheated and did not in fact, do everything the assignment said to do.

The word "atonement" means satisfaction or reparation for a wrong or injury; amends. We were given 8 steps of atonement at the Million Man March by the Honorable Minister Farrakhan:

1. Point out the wrong
2. Acknowledgement of wrong
3. Confess the fault
4. Repentance; feeling of remorse
5. Atonement; making amends/reparations
6. Forgiveness by the offended party
7. Reconciliation/Restoration; becoming friendly and peaceable again
8. Perfect union with Allah(God) and with each other

The first step in the book is atonement! The very first assignment is to write down 10 things you like about yourself, this is self atonement, then apologize/atone with your husband. The key is, that it doesn't work unless you go through ALL of the steps!

I came to this realization as I was going through the assignments of the book, fitting them in when I could, when it felt natural and not forced and when the timing was right. I said the little stuff I was supposed to say, I gave compliments and tried hard to show my appreciation for my husband. But I was getting worried because it seemed like I wasn't getting quite the results I wanted. He still seemed to be holding back from me, I thought maybe it was because he wasn't quite sure how sincere I was or what to make of the whole thing. So I started thinking, what was I doing wrong? How come I wasn't getting the results these women in the book were getting? Maybe this stuff doesn't work for black people. I read through the assignments again, to see if I had missed anything. There were a couple I hadn't done yet, but the time hadn't been right for those, and I didn't see them as being a major hangup in the results.

So, I continued to read, hoping that something in the remaining chapters would clue me in as to what was going on. Then I came to Chapter 12: Masculine Pride, this chapter talks about all the things men take men pride in, how their pride is wounded and the effects of a wounded pride. One way to tell his pride has been wounded is he becomes reserved. The reserved man puts up a wall to protect himself from being wounded after he has experienced the pain of being wounded in the past. This took me back! Not only to the beginning of my journey into fascinating womanhood, but back to the beginning of my marriage and the mistakes I made then. I was 18 years old when I married my husband. I was fresh out of high school, barely loose from my mother's apron strings. I swore I was grown and ready to take on the world, thirteen years and many, many blessings later I can affirmatively say that I wasn't! Haha, who knew! I have to give thanks to the God for helping us to stay together, because we were both young and inexperienced. I made a lot of mistakes as a young wife, and I can think of many instances when I unintentionally wounded his fragile pride. That's when it hit me, I had never really atoned with my husband for the mistakes I had made then, and as a result we were both still suffering from their effects.

That's when I realized, that first assignment in the book is talking about atonement, it sets the tone and lays the foundation for all the rest of the assignments. You can't even get a good result from the other assignments unless you do the first one correctly.
It took me a long time to even attempt to do that first assignment, and even when I finally did it, I tweeked it in a way that made it a little more comfortable for me to do, but that wasn't necessarily the best thing for the purpose it was meant to fill. If you recall from a previous posting, I told him I apologized for trying to change him and that I realized that he is already a good person and that I would turn my energy into working on myself. But that's not what the assignment said to do, and that's not the complete process of atonement. She says in the book, to tell him "I can see that I have not understood you in the past and that I have made many mistakes." That's pointing out the wrong, your own wrong, whether intentional or not, it must be brought to light and acknowledged. Did that, okay. Then she says "I'm glad you have not let me push you around...you have not been putty in my hands...you have your convictions". That's remorse, feeling regret for what you have done, letting him know you're glad it didn't work, lol. Next, "Will you forgive me for not understanding you?" Step 6 in the process of atonement! How can you say you have atoned with someone and you have not asked their forgiveness AND received it. I asked my husband not to say anything just listen, because I was so nervous and I really wasn't ready to ask for his forgiveness, but that's not the process. The last thing is to say " Let me prove to you that I can be a wonderful wife". That is part of step 7, restoration of the relationship which leads to a perfect union. I told him, I will focus on working on myself, not the same thing.

So basically, I didn't properly atone so I am not able to reap the same benefits as if I had done it right. I'm not disappointed though, I'm actually glad it worked out this way. Sometimes you can appreciate things a little better when doing it YOUR way doesn't work out. Now I see the benefit and purpose in what the author was suggesting, and in the steps of atonement that we were given all those years ago. So, I can do it again, this time sincerely and with understanding instead of just going through the motions. My husband can sense insincerity a million miles away, so even though he gave me a pleasant response that first night, he may still be wary that it was not completely sincere.

I will do the assignment again, this time including ALL the parts and all my heart and without expectation. I will do it because I owe him that and because it is the right thing to do. I will do it and give him the opportunity to forgive me and just see where everything else goes.
Praise be to Allah for the light of understanding!

One step forward...one step back

I've been battling my old self since I started on this journey of self improvement. Trying to kill old habits and take on new ideas and perspectives, as good as they are, just isn't a very easy thing to do.
When you fight against old habits and ways, you  are sometimes fighting things that have been apart of you your whole life. For me, that means getting over the feeling of needing acknowledgement for the things I do for my husband and family.

We all want to feel appreciated for the good we do, I believe that is a natural human desire. I also believe that we shouldn't do things in search of that appreciation. I think I am a good person, and I strive hard to be a good wife and mother, but I also tend to calculate the things I do when they are difficult, and I have to admit, I do expect to hear "thank you" after some of those more difficult things that I do. That is an unfortunate side effect of some aspects of my upbringing. As I child, I was rewarded for going above and beyond in the things I did, from grades to chores, so growing up I expected that to always be the case.

Anyway, after my little "domestic goddess" moment the other day, my husband gave me a "to do" list that required some difficulty on my part, this was the second task of its kind. I didn't want to do it, it was a sacrifice that I didn't want to make at the time, but I did it anyway, for him. Afterward, I allowed my frustration over the situation to get the better of me and I sort of snapped. No yelling or anything, I just made one of those little sarcastic remarks that we as women sometimes come up with so easily (smile). I told him I knew he appreciated what I had done even if he didn't say it, but in a smug sort of way.

He "apologized" in his own way, it was more of "that's my bad". I already knew I had messed up when I made my little remark, but I was sure of it when I got the "my bad" apology. I had basically tried to force him to appreciate what I had done, and being the man, he struggled not to have his hand forced by me while still trying appease me and keep things smooth between us. Therefore, I get "my bad".

Things have been a little lukewarm since, sarcasm isn't one the F.W. principles, now I feel like I have to start over. I hate I did that, and I see the affects of it and why it isn't good to do. But I continue to reiterate that this is a learning experience for me. I do feel that I am making progress because at least I am aware when I slip up. Before it probably would have turned into a big thing and I would've kept it going. (Lol) It's funny now that I think back on it, but I am moving forward from here.

 I see another thing that keeps coming up though. I see the need to find a balance between what I express and what I accept. I know myself, and I can only hold on to and accept certain things for so long before losing my cool and turning the little thing(s) that are bothering me into a big issue. I have to be able to express how I feel calmly, in the moment without letting things fester, but I also should 1. not let little things bother me and learn to look at the big picture and 2. make sure that I take care of his spirit and not constantly bombard him with negative feelings but also give up some positive accolades and encouragement as well.

So maybe this wasn't really a step back, in one sense it totally was, but in another sense there was growth in the process and that is always a forward move.

Now, on to the next assignment, showing appreciation for his making the living...hopefully I will have some positive results to share...(fingers crossed).

Domestic Goddess...check!

I stayed home today, which I get to do about once or twice a week. My routine on days like this consists of school with the children, fixing lunch, working on any projects I have going (or not) and trying to get the house clean and dinner ready before the hubby gets home. Most of us know how easy this sounds but how difficult it is to actually accomplish.
I have a system of cleaning that usually starts at the front of the house and goes to the back where our bedroom is. I never make it to the bedroom before he gets home. By that time I'm tired and feeling rushed and have utterly given up, thus the crown of "domestic goddess" has continued to elude me.

Today, I changed things up a little. After school, lunch and an outside break for the children, I explained to them that I wanted the house cleaned before daddy got home. My youngest daughter asked if he was going to be upset if it wasn't, I said no, but he's been gone all day and we want it clean for him when he gets home. They are used to having to clean everyday, but today, since I mentioned their dad, they did an awesome job. I didn't even have to go behind them, I was surprised yet very thankful for their extra efforts. I was able to focus on making our bedroom a haven so he could really relax when he got home.

I had an easy dinner planned, so even though it wasn't ready when he got home, I was able to get it to him in about 20 minutes. The children were content, (sort of :-), I fed my husband, then the children, then got the kitchen cleaned while he relaxed in our room. I was planning on sitting down with him and working on my next F.W. assignment, which is to tell him he is the most important person to me (chapter 6). By the time I was done with everything he was asleep on the bed in his p.j.s. I couldn't even be upset or disappointed, I was too content that I had made things peaceful enough for him to do that. It was a good feeling.

So, while trying to work on one thing, completing chapter 6, I actually accomplished another goal from a while back. I certainly wouldn't call myself a "goddess" after one success, but it's definitely a  start, and I learned some great lessons; 1 - get the children involved in what I'm trying to do, the book talks about that as well, it helps to foster their love and respect for their father as well, and 2 - save the kitchen for last, keep the bedroom clean and together!

Maybe next time, I'll make it there BEFORE he falls asleep!

Another real part of marriage...

7 DAYS OF SEX...A new show on Lifetime TV. Very interesting indeed =)

http://www.mylifetime.com/shows/7-days-of-sex/video/season-1/episode-2/episode-2-jamestipps

Important to read the WHOLE book

I'm glad I decided from the very beginning to read the ENTIRE book, from cover to cover, otherwise I know I would have skipped reading some of those sappy true stories after a while. Some people like to read other people's success stories but I must admit sometimes I'm just not in the mood to hear about how good someone else has it, even though they may have struggled to get to where they are.
I thought the stories were corny and useless at first, I just wanted to get to the steps I needed to take to get to my own happy ending. Now, however, I see the pure science behind the placement of these stories throughout the book.

Most relationships, regardless of what shape they're in, don't change over night. It takes work and patience. Apparently Helen Andelin is well aware of this phenomenon and the frustration that comes with it. Sometimes you feel like this can't possibly work for your situation or in real life at all! Then you come across a story that sounds strikingly familiar to yours, and somehow hope is restored.

                                                                         * * * * *

I will take this time to say how thankful I am for the teachings of the Most Honorable Elijah Muhammad and his representative the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan. It was the Honorable Elijah Muhammad who suggested that the sisters in the Nation of Islam read this book, and I probably would have never heard of it otherwise.

Because I have Islam, I am able to overlook the role-reversing effects this world has on the human psyche and delve into Fascinating Womanhood and see the truth that is has to offer. But it is also because of my Islam, that I am able to find a balance between Fascinating Womanhood and my role as a TRUE woman of God. In the book Andelin makes references to the degeneration of marriage because of women winning the right to vote and work outside the home. She often implies that a woman's ONLY place is in her home caring for her husband and family. "Forget about yourself and devote yourself to the welfare and happiness of your family." pg. 102 We are taught in Islam that a woman has the right to rise as high as her God-given talents and abilities will take her. I don't want to take what the author says out of context, but I do want to stress the need to always pursue balance in our lives and endeavors.

Dr. Ava Muhammad spoke this past Sunday in Chicago and brought up women in the time of Jesus. "For 6,000 years, women have been in a position of inferiority and subjugation to men, based on sexism, which like racism, is one of the four great impediments to self development. When you look for the Jesus, you are looking for a man whose relationship with and teachings about women are radically different than that of the religious institutions that exist in that time. In the time of Jesus, women in Palestine, women in those days, had almost no rights. They were restricted to roles of little or no authority...they were confined to the homes of their fathers or their husbands...Prior to this time, women were in every role that exists in the deliberative process of life...When Jesus came, he overthrew centuries of law and customs...He appointed women in the ministry. He had women as accountants in his ministry, he had women in his inner circle of disciples." 
http://noi.org/webcast/weekly-archive.shtml

I do not mean to say that Ms. Andelin supports the subjugation or role of inferiority for women, I do not know her position on that. This is just a reminder to us that as we involve ourselves in the process of becoming the ideal woman for our husbands, we keep in mind that God also placed in us gifts and talents that have great benefit to the entire UNIVERSE. I once told my mother that I wanted to be a housewife when I grew up. She said, "So you're gonna marry a house?"It would be a great disservice to humanity to keep some of the gifts and skills we have hidden away in our homes.

Think about it.

My trials

I never wanted to share anything negative about my family on this blog because, well, that's family business and besides I see that as more like venting rather than helping or inspiring. Besides we're all adults here and we are well aware of the fact that life ain't always peachy, and our marriages can sometimes be, less than stellar to say the least (smile). However, I did want to put a real face on what it means to try and live the principles of F.W. The reality of that comes with shining examples of my wins as well as the pitfalls of my losses or failures. It's all apart of the process.

Anytime you make strides to do something of good, God comes along to try you. He has to do this, not to knock you off your path or discourage you, but to test your faith in Him and in yourself and what it is you are trying to get accomplished. He has to try you so that He can show you what you are made of and to strengthen you. When you succeed, you can look back and know that God is God and He has the unmatched ability to bring you through whatever comes your way, and that if you CONTINUE to have faith in Him, whatever you set out to do of good, He can make successful if it is His will to do so.

So suffice it say, I am in the throws of my own trial. As I write this, I reminded that this is what comes with the territory. I put it out it out in the universe (and on the internet lol), that I was going to do this thing, read and attempt to practice and live out the principles of Fascinating Womanhood, for the benefit of myself, my husband and my family. So now, God must try me to see how serious I am about what I have set out to do. If I give in to the trial and quit, I am saying that I wasn't very serious about it in the first place and even worse, that I don't have faith in the God to see me through.

So here's where some of the problems lie. It is very difficult to practice the principles of F.W. when you are harboring disappointment, anger or hurt feelings toward your husband. To praise him, or support him or say some of the loving things that she suggests doesn't come very easy if you feel this way. This is where the strength of being a woman has  to come into play. We have to access the patience and nurturing nature that we have been given, but more importantly we have to access our natural affinity and trust in God and turn to Him.

In one of the stories in the book, there was a woman who was struggling to get her husband to do something, I can't remember right now what, but she realized after many failed attempts to change him, that she had to LET GO. She couldn't force him to do anything, she couldn't make him see things her way, she couldn't pry his eyes open to the suffering his actions were causing her. She HAD to "let go and let God" as they say in the church! She prayed that God would deal with him and she turned her attention and focus toward herself, and her role as a woman of God first and then as a wife and helpmeet to her husband. In the end, she was successful in first becoming a better person, then in receiving what she was trying to get from her husband all along.

I must say, that as I continue to write these words, the attitude that I been holding on to all week is
beginning to dissipate and I am seeing things more clearly and through the eyes of truth and principle and not emotion. It is really a beautiful thing (who new this would be so therapeutic).
Whatever our husbands faults are, or whatever character flaws he has, it IS our job as wife to HELP him MEET and fulfill his role as a man of God. But it is THE WAY WE GO ABOUT IT that
ensures either our success or our failure in this endeavor. "The way" is not by force or covert tactics! Ha, who knew! Anyway, there is a lot more on this in the book. As followers of the Honorable Elijah Muhammad, we get a lot on this as well through our lessons and through his servant the Honorable Minister Farrakhan, so I will leave this point for now.

To give a little background on my current situation,  my husband decided to move us to a new city pretty far from where we were living, and the only place our children have known to live. I did not agree with the move nor his reasons for the move, but I went along with it because I could see it meant a lot to him and I didn't want him to become resentful if we stayed.
But soon I became very uncomfortable with the new situation, it was becoming more of a hardship and a burden than the new and exciting thing he had hoped it would be, especially on the children and myself. I now struggle with whether I should try and cope with our new life here or try and convince him that we should go back or try something else all together.
I want to tell my husband that I support him in his decision to move and that I will help him inany way I can to fulfill his dreams, but I also want to tell him that this is not really what I want and I don't like it here. So, what do I do?
 
In Chapter 6: "Make Him Number One", the author talks about all the things women put ahead of their husbands needs and well-being, including money/status, our careers/talents and our children. I think this may be what I am guilty of right now. I have been putting my children before my husband, I thought I was being a good mother by doing this, but I neglected to think about whether or not I was being a good wife. In this chapter the author also states, "Remember: It is better to let a man have his way and fail, than to stand in his way and make him feel thwarted".

In the Nation of Islam Supreme Wisdom, Lesson Number 1, we are given seven training units to make us Muslim Girls in Training (MGT). They are; how to keep house, how to take care of our husbands, how to rear our children, sew, cook and in general, how to act at home and abroad. 
This is from Allah (God), that the care of our husbands should come before the rearing (not care) of our children. So there lies the answer to my question. I have to put my husband first and have faith that Allah will not let us flounder. If I let go of wanting to control the situation and play my part, He will take care of the rest. I also have to keep in mind that my husband is a good man, and wants the best for his family. I have to have faith in him that he will do the right thing by us in the long run.

I know off the back that this will require some SERIOUS patience and understanding on my part! I am very thankful to Allah for His Messenger and the lessons he provided for us, and I am also thankful for this book, Fascinating Womanhood, which outlines a practical approach to becoming a Godly woman. I'm always able to read something there that re-inspires me to keep going on this mission to be my natural self.

Again, I hope this is helpful to those reading it, it has truly been helpful to me writing it.

"Try it at home"

"The most wonderful part of my life is that I really love my husband so much and I know that he loves me deeply in return. This is the greatest joy that anyone can experience! As we women change within ourselves-following the steps outlined in this course-we do not lose our individuality or identity. We finally find it, with a sigh of relief and unexpected joy. It is never too late! It really works!"

This is a quote from the book, pp. 70-71. In this chapter, there are three things given to appreciate in your husband: character, intelligence and what he does for you. The assignment is to think of his better side, make a list of his virtues and during the week express your appreciation for these things.

I would like to invite all of you to join me in this assignment this coming week. If you have the book, pull it out and read through chapter 4 "Appreciate Him (Look to his better side) for some added inspiration. The rest of the assignment says to also make a point of appreciating his earning the living, hmm!

Lets do this together and show our husbands some love. Lets check back in and share some of the responses we get. Remember!!! You have to do it with sincerity and honest love, otherwise they may think you are being funny or patronizing, especially if this is not something you do on a regular basis. I look forward to hearing your wonderful experiences.

Preparing Ourselves for Marriage pt 1

Preparing Ourselves for Marriage pt 2

Preparing Ourselves for Marriage pt 3

Thank You!

I just want to thank those of you who are following my posts here on this blog. It has become a journey of love for me to do this and I am truly enjoying the journey.

When I married at the age of 18, there were VERY few women who would talk to me openly and honestly about what to expect. The internet wasn't as widespread and diverse in content as it is now, so I was left on my own to figure it out, and by Allah's grace, mercy and guidance, my husband and I have been together now for over 13 years.

Now that there is so much information out there online on every and any subject imaginable, I  wanted to share my personal journey with the sisterhood to hopefully inspire all of us in our marriages and to create a female bond between us that we can look to and utilize as we struggle to become one with our spouses. I feel like it is a good thing to share with our sisters some things that work and don't work, without getting all up in each others personal business, so that we can all benefit from a happy family life.

My goal is to share my story in a way that makes it easy for others to relate. I hope and pray that sisters who may have more experience than I do join in and share their stories, and I encourage those who are newly wed to join in and share some of those inspiring new-love stories that you are experiencing right now.

I apologize for some of these typos in the posts, sometimes I write them in the middle of the night after a long day of doing everything! I go back periodically to check for those as spelling and grammar are big pet peeves of mine!

I am attempting to follow the book "Fascinating Womanhood" to the "T", but I am open to suggestions on how to make this blog better and get it out there to reach as many sisters as possible. Please subscribe to the blog, suggest it on your social network sites and by word of mouth. Also, if you have or know of any links to books, websites, seminars or other resource on women, marriage or family please share!

I love all my sisters and I hope with all sincerity that what I am doing here has been and will continue to be helpful.

Minister Farrakhan - "A Nation Can Rise No Higher Than It's Woman" (2 of 2)

What does it mean to be "fascinating"?

 I probably should have put this post first, because the first thing you should do before embarking upon any kind of study, is define WHAT it is you are studying. Duh! You wouldn't commit to starting piano lessons if you didn't even know what a piano was, right? Or maybe you're adventurous like that, and you would sign up for something, or take a class in something without having the slightest clue what it was. 

But, to give things a little more perspective, I decided to define a few terms. This gives me a good visual of what it is I'm trying to become. The idea to do this was inspired during a conversation I was having with my husband this morning. He was confiding in me some realizations he had come to learn about himself. As I listened, I kept thinking, "How would a fascinating woman respond to this? How would she motivate and inspire him, and assure him of her love. What would she say to her husband that would captivate him and cause him to be in awe of her wit and wisdom?" 

I was sad to realize that even after what I have read so far, I didn't even have a visual in my head to pull on of really what it meant to be "fascinating". So, I put the dictionary to use and came up with this:

fascinating[ fas-uh-ney-ting ]

adjective

1. of great interest or attraction; enchanting; charming; captivating: a fascinating story; fascinating jewelry.

 fascinate [ fas-uh-neyt ]

verb (used with object)

1. to attract and hold attentively by a unique power, personal charm, unusual nature, or some other special quality; enthrall: a vivacity that fascinated the audience.

2. to arouse the interest or curiosity of; allure.

3. to transfix or deprive of the power of resistance, as through terror: The sight of the snake fascinated the rabbit.

 

So...to elaborate:

of [ uhv, ov, uh v, uh ]

preposition

2. (used to indicate derivation, origin, or source): a man of good family; the plays of Shakespeare; a piece of cake

interest [ in-ter-ist, -trist ]

noun

1. the feeling of a person whose attention, concern, or curiosity is particularly engaged by something: She has a great interest in the poetry of Donne.

2. something that concerns, involves, draws the attention of, or arouses the curiosity of a person: His interests are philosophy and chess.

3. power of exciting such concern, involvement, etc.; quality of being interesting: political issues of great interest.

attraction [ uh-trak-shuh n ]

noun

1. the act, power, or property of attracting.

2. attractive quality; magnetic charm; fascination; allurement; enticement: the subtle attraction of her strange personality.

3. a person or thing that draws, attracts, allures, or entices: The main attraction was the after-dinner speaker.

 

enchanting [ en-chan-ting, -chahn]

adjective

1. charming; captivating: an enchanting smile.

charming[ chahr-ming ]

adjective

1. pleasing; delightful: a charming child.

2. using charm; exercising magic power.

captivate[ kap-tuh-veyt ]

verb (used with object) -vat·ed, -vat·ing.

1. to attract and hold the attention or interest of, as by beauty or excellence; enchant: Her blue eyes and red hair captivated him.

2. to capture; subjugate.

WOW! There is so much in these definitions and it makes things so clear. I see what it is and who it is I want to be. I want to have a magnetic charm over my husband, and be pleasing and delightful for him to be around. Definitions of words give you the descriptive details you need to envision what it is you desire to become, and books, lessons, assignments and application give you the means to get there. 

The Official Site

The official website for Fascinating Womanhood  can be found at www.fascinatingwomanhood.net

Here you can find all of Helen Andelin's books, including "Fascinating Girl" for single women, and "Man of Steel and Velvet" the guide for men.

There are also study guides and online classes you can sign up for.

Be Creative to YOUR Situation

My husband is a naturally generous and giving person, so it really doesn't take a lot of prodding to get him to do things for me or the children. He also has a keen sense about things and can tell when I'm "doing too much".

Today, he was really sweet about skipping a few hours of work so the children and I could get some things done. When we got back home at the end of the day, I thanked him for it. I said; "Thank you for sacrificing part of your day for me and the children today, I really appreciated it." He kissed me on the forehead, then I said "You're so generous with your time". I was serious, but I KNEW that was taking it too far. He sort of laughed and said "Alright, don't go overboard".

Darn it!!! I knew that was too much! Lesson learned. In applying the principles, you have to know YOUR husband and you have to make sure your words are sincere and true to YOUR personality. You can't recite everything from the book just because she says so if it's not something you would normally say. That's not to say don't say them, it just means get creative, put them into your own words and do it in your own way. Your husband will be able to tell if you're being insincere or patronizing.

So, like I said, lesson learned. I'm going to have to really think the rest of this stuff through. My husband knows I'm reading the book, but I didn't want him to know I was being prompted by the reading. My plan: stay focused, stay on track, keep going. If he does think I'm being prompted by the book for things to say, then I'm going to have to prove to him that I do mean them. I told him at dinner that I would not try to change him anymore, so I won't, and I told him that I was working on me now, so I will continue to show him that I doing that. I will continue to listen to him, and show my appreciation for his virtues. I will be consistent in my efforts so that he will see that I am sincere.

He is a good husband, and I want to continue striving to be a good wife for him.

Join the Challenge

In addition to gaining the benefits of a happier, more loving relationship/marriage, I am enjoying challenging myself to be a better person and wife. It is very fulfilling watching the growth in myself and observing how differently I am viewing the world and the people around me.

I am inviting ALL the sistahs who see this blog to join me in reading and practicing Fascinating Womanhood. Just take your time and go as fast or slow as you need to. I know we are busy women, and have a LOT going on in our lives, but the rewards are truly remarkable and ultimately priceless. Do it for yourselves, NOT to change your man or gain something from him (that will come anyway) but to make you feel good inside because you know you are being the you God created you to be.

I encourage you to make comments, post your own stories and PLEASE share this site with all the women you love and care about, because even if you're marriage is great, or you're not married at all, I believe that this book can help in restoring us back to rightful place, as the Queens of our homes and families and of this Universe as a whole! Anything and everything is possible in unity, we can encourage each other when it comes to those assignments that get a little rough to complete and be inspired by each others successes. I pray we all find our peace and that you enjoy this reading even if you're not ready just yet to embark on your own journey.

In the meantime

Well things have been good since dinner Saturday night. No major changes, just good. Today was kind of slow, I haven't done any more reading in a couple of days and I haven't worked on the last assignments.
As I walked around the house, cleaning up, I had to keep talking to myself, convincing myself to keep going with the program, because on the surface I didn't really want to. He hadn't done anything specifically to upset me, it was just this feeling that overcame me today. I just wanted to whine and complain and say to him "Oh my God, I just want this, this and this! I deserve it and it shouldn't be this hard to get it."
The problem that happens when you try to change someone into something else is, you begin to lose the attraction/affinity you had for them when they inevitably disappoint you. So sometimes I wonder if I will be able to feel the way I felt so many years ago. The book talks about this situation as well. There is the story of a woman who said she had lost all love for her husband (he was an out of work alcoholic). She wanted to file for divorce but found and read "Fascinating Womanhood" and applied the principles and she said she and her husband had never been happier.
The book gives a LOT of happy ending stories, but to me it doesn't give very much detail about "in the meantime". So this is my in the meantime, wanting to give up, wanting to crawl back in my little shell and sulk and complain about the things I don't have and tell him all the things I want. But I know better now, so I won't do that, even though I spent most of the day quiet to him. I danced around with the children and was able to get some work done around the house, but my husband and I didn't talk much today. I'm not going to worry too much about it, I'm going to take the good with the not-so-good, because that's real life. Not everything is perfect with a happy ending, somebody has to tell you what happens in the meantime.

I've learned that going through this book and doing these assignments is very similar to getting in shape physically. You start off and maybe you're really out of shape and maybe not so much out of shape, just not really fit. You may not be able to get through the first few workouts because you are using muscles that you haven't used either in a while or ever. You wake up sore and the thought of going back to the gym is totally unappealing. But, if you really want to get in shape, you keep going. Even if you're not completely sure it will work, you listen to your trainer and do those squats and push ups. You sweat and pant and and cry and your body aches and you get tired, but you keep your eyes on that new you that you want so much.
So just like in exercising your body, when you work on your marriage or any relationship you're in, you have to continue to work through those feelings and that pain that comes in the meantime.

Tomorrow I'm going to pick up my book again and work on some more assignments, I'm determined to get to a new me.