What is femininity REALLY???

It has been a long time since I have posted anything. With school starting for my children, my free time has dwindled slightly to say the least. :-) So my posts may be few and far in between sometimes, but I'm still trying to complete this project as I intended.

Since starting this book I have become a huge fan and an advocate of the principles found within its pages. I have tried many of them myself and have achieved great results. So far I have been in agreement with Ms. Andelin in her views on marriage and women's roles. I found many of her views to be right in line with the teachings of the Honorable Elijah Muhammad on women in Islam.
However, I have recently come across something that I am finding difficult to reconcile within my thinking. It's one of those things that someone is telling you is truth and providing all the evidence to prove their point, but it just goes against everything you've ever been taught even from childhood. I'm hoping some of you who may read this will chime in and offer some of your thoughts.

I am finishing up the section on femininity. If you recall, I talked about her chapters on the feminine appearance and mannerisms in earlier posts. I am now on the chapter entitled The Feminine Nature. Her characters of the feminine nature include: weakness, softness, submissiveness, dependence, tenderness, fearfulness and sweet promise.
 
Well, let's see, I learned early on in my childhood not to challenge men, or males, especially in things that they are naturally inclined to be good at. I learned that there are ways to get my point across and even my way, without directly challenging that ever so sensitive male ego. When I was a girl I didn't want to get into fights with boys over stupid stuff, so I didn't tease them or challenge them to contests. If we were playing together, I would just do my thing and let my actions speak for themselves. When I got married, I realized that challenging my husband was a quick means to messy end. Sometimes you gotta just give in and let him do his thing and find the right time and the right way to make your point. I heard Minister Farrakhan explain this by saying it is in a man's nature to excel a woman so that she will look up to him, and a woman has in her nature the desire to look up to her man. I don't have a problem with "taking low" as I call it, to avoid conflict and let my husband be the man. When it is necessary for me to correct my him or any man I may work with or come in contact with, I strive hard to do it in the best possible manner so as not to offend. I'm not perfect in this, and I admit I do challenge him sometimes, but I understand the principle and why being a submissive wife is important.

I have no problem with being dependent on my husband. I'm not trying to be an "independent black woman" and show the world how I can do everything on my own. God created everything in pairs, each dependent on the other for optimum success. I need and depend on him for certain things, and he needs me and depends on me for certain things. We have our roles and our strengths and weaknesses as individuals and as a couple. Together, we rely on each other to make our lives work and to achieve success. So I'm proud to say, I do need a man! Lol That's what they're here for right! (Just remember, they need us too.)

I think I'm pretty soft in my mannerisms, my husband has never complained about this. And as for sweet promise, well I'm still not exactly sure what she means by that! So I don't know if I have it or not.

The parts I have an issue with in this chapter are her points on being weak and fearful. She drives the point in about a woman not displaying too many signs of competency or ability in the presence of a man. She even says this is how seemingly clueless women are able to attract well-off, intelligent men. I've never been an airhead, for any reason. Again, I understand the point of helping to protect the male ego, and displaying a need for them. But to accept the characteristic of weakness, I just cannot accept. I do little things around my husband like make sure to leave all the heavy bags for him when we're unloading groceries together, or I may ask him to open a jar if he's with me in the kitchen. Little things like that I know show him I need him and he feels good doing those things for me. But I don't believe that either of us is under any illusion that I am a weak woman, in any sense of the word. In fact, let's define it. Webster's dictionary defines the word weak as; 

1

: lacking strength: as

a : deficient in physical vigor : feeble, debilitated

b : not able to sustain or exert much weight, pressure, or strain

c : not able to resist external force or withstand attack

d : easily upset or nauseated <a weak stomach>

2

a : mentally or intellectually deficient

b : not firmly decided : vacillating

c : resulting from or indicating lack of judgment or discernment

d : not able to withstand temptation or persuasion <the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak>

3

: not factually grounded or logically presented <a weak argument>

4

a : not able to function properly <weak eyes>

b (1) : lacking skill or proficiency <tutoring for weaker students> (2) : indicative of a lack of skill or aptitude <history was my weakest subject>

c : wanting in vigor of expression or effect <a weak translation of the poem>

5

a : deficient in the usual or required ingredients : dilute <weak coffee>

b : lacking normal intensity or potency <a weak radio signal> <a weak strain of virus>

6

a : not having or exerting authority or political power <weak government>

There's a lot there, but I don't claim any of it. I know for a fact that my husband is physically stronger than I am. It would be a shame if he wasn't, unless there was a medical issue present. Yet I do not accept that that makes me weak. I may not be able to do as many push ups, but I've carried babies, and that takes some serious strength. And I've got just enough girth to help him move furniture when no one else is there to help. SO, me, deficient in physical vigor, I don't think so. And I think this is true for most women. We have muscles, we have girth. Not as much as men, and we certainly shouldn't go around flaunting it, but we also shouldn't deny it and we shouldn't try to be weak.

There is nothing wrong with a woman basking in the strength of her husband or mate, and keeping her own strengths at bay in his presence. But to deny that strength all together and claim yourself to be weak, I believe is wrong. I think Mrs. Andelin should maybe have used other wording for this point, because language is powerful and it can shape your thinking and ultimately what you will become. I would NEVER tell my daughters to be weak in the presence of men. My father did not encourage me to be a weak woman, in fact he encouraged my strength. As does my husband, he even  suggested I try his push up regimen. Lol

Next is the point on being fearful. Um, no. First of all, as Muslims, we are taught to fear no one but Allah (God), so why would I claim to be afraid of everything just to attract the fascination of a man. Andelin writes, "feminine women have a natural fear of dangers, whereas men are inclined to be unafraid of dangers". She even states that some men will intentionally put their wives in dangerous situations just to see how fearful their women are and how unafraid they are. That goes back to the old cliche I guess of a guy taking his girl to a scary movie just so she will want him to protect her. I guess, I can recall times that my husband has been amused when I became scared over something trivial, like turbulence on a plane or even earthquakes. He's so silly, the last few quakes we had he was riding them like ocean waves laughing, while I'm worried whether or not I should go grab the children! That's nature at work, sure.
Still, I don't want to claim that I am scary woman. It is natural to be afraid of things sometimes, but I believe in conquering my fears, not giving in to them. No doubt, my husband is my protector, he's my own personal knight in shining armor! It's his job to protect me and his children and I let him. He sees dangers that I miss, and I listen and try to heed his warnings, but that doesn't mean I'm going to shrivel up at every fear that pops up in my head. Some of that stuff I gotta ride like a wave!

These two things in particular, that Andelin teaches attract and fascinate men, are simply contrary to the teachings of Islam as taught by the Honorable Elijah Muhammad. He taught women that one day we may have to fight along side our men for the sake of Islam. He taught us of the women in the Bible like Mary and Hagar who were strong and fearless and stood their ground in the face of adversity. He reminded us that when Jesus was crucified and the disciples had turned away from him, it was women who stood by him and continued to propagate the faith after he was gone. Fear and weakness is not taught to the women in the Nation of Islam. My parents NEVER taught me to be afraid of ANYTHING and they both told me to be strong, physically, mentally and physically. 

So I must respectfully disagree with Ms. Helen Andelin on these points. I don't believe that accepting these things as a part of our character as women is a good thing for anyone.
I would love to hear some of your thoughts and these points as well. Do you agree or disagree? Is there some sort of compromise that can be made? Can a women take low for the sake of her husband but remain strong in her right? Should she play the damsel in distress to win the affection of a man? What do you think? 

The Feminine Woman

I am no expert in relationships or on women's issues, however I have established for my own purposes one rule of thumb, everything a woman does should have a woman's touch.
I am not a feminist but I do believe in a woman's right to express her God-given talents and gifts, whether they be in baking and sewing or boxing and basketball. However I also believe that whatever a woman does should be done differently from men, she should put her unique, feminine touch on it.
Women play professional basketball and box, but there is a marked difference between the way men play and the way women play, as it should be. And there are some sports that I just don't condone for women, like football or body building, I think we have to draw the line somewhere!

I have been a martial artist for over twenty years, I have a first degree black belt and several sparring awards. I had to work with and spar against plenty of men and boys during my training, however I never ended up fighting like a man and my demeanor never changed once the gloves were off. Being a martial artist has made me stronger, indeed, but it hasn't taken away my feminine essence. When I am in the ring I use my dainty stature to my advantage, I tend to be a little faster and can reach those little hidden spots on my opponent's body that they least expect. When I workout with my male classmates, I never compete with them on the basis of strength, muscle or brawn. I respect their superior strength and I make use of my speed and agility to ensure that we both get a good workout. (They respect my size in return and never take advantage of their strength when working with me or the other female students).

Now I am ABSOLUTELY sure that Mrs. Helen Andelin would not approve of a woman playing any sport that a man plays and a woman boxing or sparring would probably give her a heart attack! But being a feminine woman is not about denying your strength and acting helpless, it's about putting your God-given womanly touch on everything that you do. Black women, in particular, but plenty of women in general, throughout history have been superior warriors, soldiers and leaders. God has given us that strength to use when necessary. Yet, it is in our nature to be different from the man and we should embrace that, rather than spend so much time challenging him in his role. The first female of pharaoh of Egypt, Queen Hatshepsut, was an amazing ruler of the kingdom after her husband, but she was first a beautiful woman who captured his heart with her feminine charm and graces. I wholeheartedly agree with Ms. Andelin in her description of a feminine woman in the book, but I have to add that being strong is also apart of being a woman, and this is something that she never seems to mention or acknowledge.

I think for the most part, black women have had no problems embracing our strength and fortitude in this world, we have however, and quite unfortunately, lost touch with our femininity and what comprises a feminine manner. Being a feminine woman seems to be turning into a lost art among the masses of our sisters. Charm and grace are no longer passed down from mother to daughter. We constantly bombard our girls with instruction on how to fight, how not to be taken advantage of, how to stick up for herself, how to tell a man off, etc. etc. but the art of how to be a good wife, homemaker and a charming, feminine woman seem to be excluded from the conversation. Lessons like how to control your voice are no longer covered.
Do we tell our daughters that a woman shouldn't be loud or boisterous, that her voice and tone should be soft and gentle? She shouldn't cackle or roar with laughter, to the point where one can see the entire inside of her mouth. A woman should have pleasant facial expressions. We shouldn't walk around looking like we're mad at the world and we're just waiting for somebody to say something to us so we have a reason to go off. (You know the look, think PMS plus my check is late, lol).
Andelin writes, "Facial expression has its roots in character. If you have a gentle character, it's natural and easy to have a gentle expression. On the other hand, if you have a harsh, critical, impatient, character you'll have difficulty keeping these unwholesome traits from creeping into your face." I like this, and I agree, what you feel on the inside can't help but show up at some point on the outside. So to become feminine women we really have work from the inside out and develop our character.

Another point we tend to miss as women is refinement, or "good social breeding". This means to be tactful, considerate, diplomatic, courteous and sensitive to others. Some examples would be; never interrupting someone who is speaking, never bringing up a subject that would embarrass someone in the group, never pointing the finger of scorn to another person. A refined person is never rude, impolite or inconsiderate. A refined person NEVER uses profane or vulgar language, swears or tells profane jokes. The book also mentions not scratching yourself, and no picking or blowing your nose in public. She also writes that a refined woman never rubs her husband's back, strokes his hair or fondles him in public. Um, I guess, I do tend to rub my husband's back in public on occasion, I didn't know that was such savage behavior, =) but I get the point.

I think as women, we really need to try and go back to the basics. We have overcome nearly every obstacle formed against us in this male-dominated society. Every year you hear about the first woman to do this or the other. But while we were out conquering the world, our home lives have suffered and our girls have missed out on some valuable lessons. It is so important to be strong in this day and age, you may be eaten alive if you're not; but it also important to embrace that part of ourselves that makes us women, because that is uniquely ours and is a divine gift from our Creator.


More later...

Reviving the Ebony Homemaker

"Tell your husband that he is the most important person in your life and then prove by your actions that this is true."

This statement is not really the basis for my post today, I just came across it as I was thumbing through the book and I thought I'd share. It is actually one of the assignments from Chapter 6 "Make Him Number One". Just something to keep in mind.


Actually, I have gotten a lot of reading accomplished lately, I finally finished part 1 Angelic Qualities. The last chapter in that section is The Domestic Goddess and it was great! The idea of striving to be an accomplished homemaker was not foreign to me, however in the journey of life, you can never have too much knowledge and information and I really enjoyed reading what the author had to say on the matter.

One major theme in this section of the book focuses on the attitude we carry regarding housework.
She shares tips on how to find pleasure in what can often be the drudgery of keeping house. She implores women to take pride in the role of homemaker, and tries to impress upon her readers the importance of working at doing a good job rather than doing just enough to get by. She tries to help women realize that our place in the home is an honored one and is absolutely essential to the function, well-being and success of the entire family.
I can bear witness that at times, life can become so busy and crowded with outside activities and responsibilities that my home life suffers. Andelin writes, "I believe our natural instinct is to enjoy domestic work as little girls do (when they play house) and being crowded for time robs us of enjoyment...Ask yourself , 'What am I doing that is more important than doing domestic work and enjoying it?'" I will be the first to confess that I don't get excited at the thought of having to clean the bathroom, or wash the dishes after dinner or vacuum or any of that. I don't particularly enjoy housework in that sense. But, when I think about how important it is for these things to be done, I take pleasure in knowing that I am doing something good for my family (and I do enjoy marveling at the finished result).
The Honorable Minister Louis Farrkhan teaches us that home is a woman's base, and NOT necessarily her place. This is to say that the home is the launching pad for the woman and her family to prepare themselves to go out and conquer the world. Think of a rocket being launched into space and the work that it is destined to do, how important then is the vessel that houses that rocket until it is ready for take off. It must be kept, maintained, organized, strong and in top shape in order to get optimal results from the launch and the rocket itself. Think about how far the rocket goes when it is launched properly, amazing!

Andelin gives advice on meal preparation, organizing your home, decorating, cleaning and prioritizing, something that is crucial when you have a lengthy to-do list of responsibilities. One of the assignments at the end of the chapter is to list in order of importance, your six most essential responsibilities. She suggests you ask your husband and children for their ideas when creating this list, which I thought was a good idea. I never thought to ask them what they think are the most important things I do. It will be interesting to hear their responses.

One small section she writes in this chapter sort of intrigued me and started a spiral of thoughts and ideas in my head. It is the section on the Housedress. By housedress, she means a cotton, cute, ultra feminine dress comfortable enough for you to wear around the house, with an apron, as a sort of "uniform" when doing your daily tasks. She says it is an "identifying marker" of your role in the home, as "queen of the household".
Now initially I read this and scoffed at the idea of wearing this "suzy-homemaker" style dress and apron to do anything, let alone clean toilets and wash dishes. I laughed to myself thinking about a 1950s housewife trying to make it in a 2012 world, happily going about her chores as if nothing existed outside the walls of her own home. I also thought the idea of a uniform for being in the house was kind of funny. I enjoy the days when I can stay home because I can wear whatever and be comfortable. Then I thought about it some more, I wear a uniform when I train at the martial arts studio, I wear one when I go to the Mosque, I had a certain type of attire I wore when I taught in the classroom, so why should the idea of a particular home attire be so amusing to me when my job there is the most important one I have.
I also thought about what my husband would think if he came home and saw me in the kitchen in that little cotton dress and apron. Would he be impressed? Would he be intrigued and awed? Or would he laugh and ask what the heck I was doing?
The stereotypical image that kept popping into my head was a white suburban housewife in a poofy dress and apron dusting the fine china, and I did NOT want to be this woman. But then I thought, black women have an ancient history of being masters of homemaking. We have done it since the beginning of time, we have been forced to do it for others and we continue to do it while we pursue careers and education outside the home. So why not wear my apron proudly as a badge of honor for the work that I do for my family. In the least, I was enamored by the thoughts and questions that I had come up with and I decided that I would try it, if only to rest my curiosity.
I think I have one of those little cotton numbers somewhere in my closet (at least something similar) and I'm going to make myself a cute, and feminine apron to wear when I'm working around the house. I googled "aprons" and times sure have changed! There are some really unique styles out there that should make this a pretty fun and interesting experiment. Since this will be my "uniform" for the purpose of housekeeping, I won't have to worry about getting it dirty, it will be flirty and functional. ;-) Right now I clean the house in sweats and a t-shirt, so I guess anything else would be better! I should have some updates on this little experiment soon.

In summary, the qualities of a domestic goddess, according to the author are:

      1. Does her job well, beyond the call of duty
      2. Is a good manager of time and values
      3. Adds feminine touches to her homemaking
      4. Adds warmth to her household
      5. Honors her role in the home
      6. Is happy in her role, fulfilled

In reading this, I couldn't help but feel grateful for the teachings and wisdom of Master Fard Muhammad in giving to the women in Islam seven training units, which include, keeping house, rearing the children and taking care of our husbands. This book "Fascinating Womanhood" just bears witness to what I am already being taught.

Part of the assignment for this chapter is also to list your domestic strengths, then list your weaknesses and improve on them. I hope we all begin to look at our home lives with a little more regard and hold ourselves in higher esteem for the  roles we play in the lives of our families.

Love Journal, Entry #1

I am supposed to write my successes in my love journal, according to the book. But since I'm blogging anyway (and it's faster to just type it it out) I figured I would go ahead and put it here for now.

The story goes like this:

I have been wanting to move, for the past six months since we've been in this new city, I've been wanting to move back where we came from. I submitted to coming here against all my better judgement and wishes because my husband wanted to try it. Once we got here, I bluntly told him I didn't like it (not the best course of action as I look back on it =). I didn't put much effort into making this new place my home. I complained and finally, I tried to rationally plead my case. After thinking over my last attempt at coercion, my husband finally gave in and started making arrangements for us to move.

Now this is NOT success. On the contrary, I looked at this as a huge failure on my part. I couldn't be happy about the decision to move back, as much as I had wanted it! I looked at my husband's face and knew he was disappointed. I told him I didn't want to do it if he would be resentful of me. He insisted he wouldn't be. It didn't take a book to tell me what I knew in my heart I had to do. I had been so unpleasant about things the first go around, I felt I owed him better. I owed it to him to support him in his desire to try something new and different, whatever his reasons may be for doing so. I felt I would be stifling him if I allowed him to give in to what I wanted. I took a deep breath and asked God for the strength to keep the promise I was about to make...I told my husband that if he wanted to stay, I would do what I could to help him make it work. I told myself that I would do this with a good/pleasant spirit.

It took a LOT out of me to do that, I do not like where we have moved to, it is the opposite of what I had always envisioned for myself and my children. I made financial sacrifices to help him make this possible, and I struggle daily to be okay with this decision and to keep my word and be pleasant, I'm just being honest. So far I am doing okay...I'm gonna keep praying though!

A few days after our conversation about staying, while checking my facebook updates, I noticed a post from my husband. I always read his posts because he RARELY posts anything. He writes:

"I would like to facebook publicly thank my wife for her many years of help to me and my children. She has sacrificed a lot for me and she never really gets the appreciation she deserves. Allah says little it is that we give thanks. I am grateful."

Now the Minister just gave a lecture on vanity a few weeks ago, (check it out at www.noi.org) so I had to check myself at first (didn't want to get a big head, lol). But in the end I really enjoyed the sentiment, my heart was screaming, AWWWW!

The next day he looked at me and made sure he thanked me for dinner, which was nothing fancy - soup, salad and bread, but I could tell he was really trying to be appreciative.

Allah says "little it is that we give thanks", so I am thankful that my little efforts are appreciated.

If everyone is happy; me because I believe I did the right thing by my husband and I think God would be pleased with that, him because he gets to fulfill a desire, and the children because he and I are happy, then I would call THIS a success!

Hopefully we can keep 'em coming...

A king is nothing without his queen

"A King is NOTHING without his Queen"

So, the journey continues, and while I am constantly thinking on everything that I have read thus far in the book, I have to admit that I haven't been as diligent in practicing some of the principles and exercises.
I am enjoying reading the chapters that focus on self development. Right now I am on Chapter 16 "A Worthy Character". I like this chapter because it focuses on developing yourself as a person and a woman and developing character traits within yourself that extend beyond your domestic roles as a wife, homemaker and mother. In this chapter the author lists SEVERAL virtues a woman should have. I always think of the Self Improvement Study Guides written by Minister Farrakhan when I read her descriptions of these virtues, some of which are; unselfishness, charity, humility, self control and patience. As I have been reading this book, a constant theme that runs through my mind is, balance and how to achieve and maintain it in every facet of my life. When I think I am leaning too much one way, I try to realize that too much of anything, even good things, is not healthy.

This brings me to the next stage in my journey, field research. I call it that, but all I'm doing is talking to some of my girl friends about relationships. What has struck me the most is the sheer beauty and strength in black women. We take on so much in our lives, we give of ourselves as if our gifts to give are infinite. We have a bad reputation when it comes to relationships, some of it is based on truth, a lot of it comes from a negative portrayal of black women by filmmakers in Hollywood.

I was very skeptical initially, about talking to any women I knew regarding what I was reading. I thought they would all think it was antiquated and out dated and completely far fetched in handling our relationships with black men. I thought the principles from the book that I was trying to practice would be scorned and I would be mocked for thinking they work. I thought this way because these are the things I thought before I opened up to reading the book myself.

However, I have found that sistahs have been very receptive to what I am doing and are VERY open to these principles. I have been very pleasantly surprised (as I was with my own reaction once I started reading). I am finding that black women of a certain maturity level (and I'm not talking about age), but those who have experienced life and worked on relationships, are open and receptive and in agreement with the principles of F.W. I am learning that there is another type of black woman out there that doesn't get portrayed in movies and on t.v. with the ever popular smart-mouth, attitude-having, neck-rolling, ghetto queen; the old school "mama" character like Flo on "Good Times"; the educated, highly sophisticated, oftentimes saditty, black woman; and the "victim" sistah that can't catch a break, is always being abused and falling for the wrong kind of man. Then, there is that woman out there that we fail to see. She is down with you for whatever, up for the challenge of being a domestic goddess, being your friend, having your babies and supporting you through thick and thin, but fed up with you all at the same time! She is a queen in her own right, but her life and relationships lack balance. This is the woman I encounter most often.

All of our women have great potential, as do our men. Some women however, tend to express their godly qualities in different ways. These are women who love and cherish their men despite his shortcomings. These are women who have a high self worth and value themselves, their time and their efforts in a relationship. These are also women who have experienced first hand the unfortunate and continuing affects of the "Willie Lynch Syndrome" on black people in this country. We cannot negate this as a relevant factor in our relationships. Because of what was done to us during slavery, we have been reared outside of our nature as men and women. We have been functioning on an inferior level and our relationships suffer. Most times we end up with the "baby boy" scenario in varying forms of intensity, where we are the caretakers of our children and our men, because they have been robbed of the necessary knowledge and skills to take care of themselves in a world like this, never mind taking care of us or their offspring. Our men struggle in this world, even the "good ones" who seem to have it all together, and we are made to feel superior to them despite the struggles we face ourselves. We are imbalanced.

Most black women I talk to, like I said before, are very open to the ideas of praising their man, appreciating him, giving to him and being devoted to him, but the comments I hear most are "but I'm tired of putting up with all his issues", or "what is he going to give me in return?" or "he needs to get his life together". We don't realize that we were put here to be a helpmeet to him, to help him do just that. We are in such an unnatural state of being that we don't trust one another to fulfill our needs. Our men are not in their original state of power in this world, so we often find it difficult to look up to them and give ourselves completely to them. And we have not been functioning in our original state, we have been put in a position of dominance over our men in the workplace, in education and in society, therefore in our homes we also try to dominate our men and we refuse to help him regain his proper place of authority in our lives.

I used to think it was my husband's job to change first. I thought if he became the man he was supposed to be, then I could be the woman I was supposed to be for him. I am learning that the responsibility and really the power, to change the dynamics in the home lies with the woman. Ever hear the saying, "If mama ain't happy, nobody's happy"? When we resolve to be that helpmeet and be the change we want to see, we can effect change in our men and in our homes. We concede that "a nation can rise no higher than its woman", this means that we have a profound duty to the world which begins first in our own homes. If we as black women could step back and see our men for who they are and recognize what has been done to them and see beyond that to their greatness, then we will be able to develop the patience necessary to help bring the God potential out of them.

When the slave master began the process of making a slave, HE STARTED WITH THE WOMAN. So in order to bring us back to Himself, God also had to start with the cultivation of the woman. He provided us with everything we needed, including the strength to bear the task. I am not suggesting that we subject ourselves to abuse or suffer through infidelity or profound unhappiness in our relationships, all I am saying is, if you know you have a good man but he is not living up to his Godly potential, then be patient and stick with him to help him bring out what he has inside. If he is a good man, you will be able to reap the benefits of your work and patience, he will begin to see the God in you and treat you as such.

This is what I tell my friends. Our black men need us, no one else can do for a black man what a good black woman can do. These men may think they are getting what they need elsewhere, but they are just putting a band-aid on an open wound. We complete each other, and we need them as much as they need us. All we have to do is gain the knowledge of how in order to repair our lives and our relationships, the love and desire are already innate within us. That is why I like this book, it gives a very descriptive play-by-play of how to bring out the best in a man. All we have to do is put our "sistah touch" on it and watch it work.

I see couples now with a whole new insight. I see a woman "going off" on her man, and I think 'oh man, if only she would just say to him...he would probably see it her way'. Of course the brothas have faults too, but the key is "self improvement", if each of us focused on improving ourselves, there would be no need to worry so much about the faults of our significant others. When we work on ourselves we create a proper balance in our own lives as individuals, and this translates to balance in our relationships, in our homes, in our children and we can ultimately create balance in the world, we have just that much juice!


Well, I hadn't planned to get all philosophical today, but it was on my mind to share. Now, to continue the journey....

 

Inner Hapiness

I have to admit that I've been slipping on my reading lately. I have finished the first section of part one in the book, "Understanding Men". There is so much in these chapters I have been meditating on and trying out, that I'm almost reluctant to keep reading. I have slipped up on some occasions and gone back to old habits, but at the same time I have also made good progress on some things. It's like a two steps forward, one step back sort of thing.
I am working on maintaining a workable routine for household chores. When I am home I don't like to spend the entire time cooking and cleaning, so sometimes I have the house together by the time my husband gets home and sometimes I don't. I am working on giving him more compliments, I strive for at least one SINCERE compliment a day (sometimes it ends up being more like every couple days depending in the day =). Then I do it at unexpected times and he always seems so happily surprised. Also, I have pretty much cut out nagging, that was the easiest habit to break. I use my replacement tool for that, replace one negative thought about his actions with a positive one from something good he's done. And lastly I am working on how I talk to him and the language I use. I think about the effects what I say will have on him and on us.
So, now that I have all these things to work on for him, the next section in the book is "Inner Happiness". Although I was feeling a little reluctant to keep reading with so much to work on, I am excited to get through this section and enjoy some work on myself.
So far I have read chapter 15 in this section of the book, Andelin outlines seven ways to find your inner happiness:
Fulfilling your domestic role, developing character, giving service, doing creative work, accepting yourself, enjoying simple pleasures and the aquisition of knowledge and wisdom. Beautiful! She closes this chapter by saying "the love of a man is essential to a woman's happiness in a complete sense, but not to the inner happiness I refer to. In fact you must first find inner happiness before your husband can really love you. Men all over the country are turning from their wives to someone else because their wives are unhappy." Deep huh? And we thought we were unhappy BECAUSE they turned elsewhere. Remember the safety rules on an airplane, put your mask on first...if you're not breathing, you can't do anything for anybody else.
Since taking care of self is so important, when I got to this section in the book, it took me a while to understand why Andelin didn't put this section first. Then I realized that as wives, sometimes we take the "self first" mantra and run with it. So the section on understanding men is sort of a snap back to reality. A wake up call that says " hey, you're on the wrong road here, think about him too!". That first section helps you identify the problem areas in your marriage and shows you how to correct them. This is very beneficial, while you are working your own happiness you are mindful of your spouse and children and you won't do things to upset your home inadvertently.
So I'm looking forward to working on me...for me. It's good to know that all of the ways to gain inner happiness that she listed will ultimately have a positive affect on the whole family. In doing things to create your happiness, you won't have to feel guilty about neglecting anyone else.

The Olympics

When I started this little blog thing here, I was hoping to have pages and pages of inspirational stories of success to help inspire our sisters to put forth the effort to make their relationships magnificent. 
It started off that way, but I guess I'm doing what the book doesn't, showing the gritty process of getting to those inspirational stories of success. The book shows you the end result of someone's hard work, toil and pain. It doesn't show you the slip ups, mistakes along the way, arguments, or the ups and downs of the process. I am not sure if what I am inspired to do and write is really real life and what happens in a lot of relationships, or if it's just me. Either way I hope I it helps someone.

It's 2012 in London, England and some of the most inspirational stories come out every four years during the Olympic games. I listen to these stories each time, and some of them are so moving and so amazing you think the person just has to be super human or a super hero. It's hard to imagine such great talent, drive and vigor coming from someone who maybe grew up just like you, or had even less, but somehow made a way out of sheer will and determination. One thing that seems to reign true for each of these athletes is the fact that they don't focus very much on the negative in their lives. They will tell the reporters about the practice where they fell, or tripped or sprain something, but if you listen to them, they breeze past these stories. They are more anxious to tell the stories of how they nailed a triple flip on the mat, or beat their best record in years on the track. Those are the tales that make them beam, and those are the ones they carry with them into competition. The negatives, the failures and the short comings, are learned from, filed away and forgotten.

This thought crossed my mind as I was sitting in the car complaining to myself about how badly it needed to be cleaned. I started to get upset with my husband because I felt he could have cleaned it out on one of his days off. But just as I started to "go there", I thought about the first chapters of F.W. "Accept him", including his faults and short comings. Also, the chapter on appreciating him earning the living. I thought about how hard he works during the week, and how I'm sure he just wants to relax on his days off. I calmed down, (did a woosah), then I decided on a new tool for myself...for every one thing that I come across during the day that my husband does that bothers me or gets on my nerve (gotta love him), I will compare it with something that he has done of good, like getting up on a scorching Sunday morning to mow both the front and back lawns. I will focus on the gold, settle on the best part, keep my eyes on the prize, all that good stuff, then I will employ the F.W. principles (since that is what this project is supposed to be about) and keep it moving. Whew, crises averted!

Until next time,
A work in progress!

Dealing with difficulty

I think it goes without saying, that anything of any real value has a difficulty factor attached to it. The birth of a child, the start of a new business, the purchase of a home, the strengthening of self - mind, body and spirit and the development of a healthy relationship are all very valuable in life. Everything that we place a hefty value on, we have to work at it to achieve, obtain or perfect it, and sometimes that process can be difficult or even painful.

Since the difficulty in the process is to be expected, what can we do to get ourselves and our spouses through those times over to the other side? What coping methods have you applied in your life to get you through the tough moments with your spouse as you strive for a perfect union?

My past methods/mistakes include but are not limited to; the silent treatment, writing lengthy letters, the "attitude" (minus the black girl neck roll, lol) and the "let's just have it out right now" *discussion*, which often leads to the "I've been holding this in forever" argument. I can look back on these methods now and shake my head at myself. How juvenile and unproductive these were. Though I do not in any way proclaim to have "arrived", I think I have grown up a little and I am trying out new ways of handling my upsets and disappointments when it comes to my husband.

Chapter 8, "The Leader", talks about  how to let your man be the leader and ways to give feminine advice. I find these are often the source of much of our discord. Husband makes a decision about something or says how he wants something to be done and I don't agree, and thus we have a potential problem on our hands. How should you handle this type of situation? The author of F.W. gives eight steps on how to let him lead; let go of control, honor his position, be adaptable, be obedient (no frowns or snippy comments), present a united front (to the children) and support his plans and decisions. These are important to help keep peace and order in the home, and they ensure things run smoothly.  But what if there is a decision that you just can't support? Or what if he plans something that you feel will hinder plans you have made for yourself or your children? Step eight says to assert yourself, because there are times when you should speak out. "Whether he invites your opinion or not, assert yourself honestly, and if necessary, strongly." But remember ladies, if you are married, "you don't have the final say, but you do have a say." She goes on to give methods of how to do this, many of which I have been using lately, including thinking things through in your own mind first. Think: are you considering his needs, are you being unreasonable or selfish, are you considering his motive, etc.
Next she says to pray about it, some may also use meditation, calling on a higher spirit to guide you in what you need to say and to help you see things more clearly. Then go to your husband in confidence, don't shrink. Tell him you have thought about it, prayed about it and now you would like him to think about it. *like*
Then there are the cases when you need to be the "counselor", because we are that too. Sometimes we have to step up and help our men make some difficult decisions for the family. I like step three in "How to give feminine advice" in the same chapter. She says to express insight when giving advice, meaning use language that indicates insight when you talk to him such as; "I feel", "I sense", or "I perceive". It can be difficult at times for a man to take advice from a woman, even if he asked for it, so it is important to do this in a mindful way so there is no misunderstanding and he can see what you're saying more clearly. There is really no argument for how one feels or what one senses or perceives, so it is better to come from this direction. He can put up a good argument for what you say you think or you know. I like that bit of advice and I can bear witness to its validity.
The other steps in "how to give feminine advice" include; ask leading questions, listen, don't appear to know more than he does, don't be motherly and don't talk man to man. These are all explained very well and in detail in the book.

So, in my "big girl" years, I have tried these tactics for dealing with disagreements with my husband.

Reflection - I think about why he did what he did. What was his purpose, motive and intention for making that decision. I also think about why it has affected me so negatively. Am I really upset over this current situation, or could it be that it has just triggered something from my past that I had a negative affect on me. (Once, years ago, I had an ex tell me to "stay in my place" in front of all my friends. To this day that phrase makes me hot!) In instances like this, I have to relax and calm down, because maybe he has no idea that he just triggered something in me.
Reflecting on the situation also helps me to see my role in how things are playing out. If I stop and think about it, I can look at myself and see my mistakes and shortcomings. It may be that I caused the whole upset to begin with, or it could simply be a misunderstanding. I can look into the situation from my husband's perspective to see his intentions. This helps me to see past his faults or his delivery to see what he really meant to do or say.
And finally, after reflecting, if I still find that I need to say something, I can come up with a proactive way to handle it so that it doesn't lead to an argument or anything else that will disrupt our peace. In other words, I can think and act calmly and rationally which will hopefully lead to a positive and productive outcome.

Venting - Sometimes, I do vent. Those times when I want to yell and scream because things to me are just that bad, I vent. It is not right to vent your personal business or bad mouth your husband to your family or friends, nothing good can come of this. But, if you like to write (as I do) a journal can work wonders! I used to save them, but when I looked at them later, sometimes I couldn't even remember what I was upset about, and those weren't the kinds of things I wanted to be left in the atmosphere. So now when I'm done writing, I destroy the pages. (Ripping stuff up can help on its own =) Occasionally, I still write him that long letter that tells him just how I feel. Sometimes I even think I'm going to give it to him. Then I reread it to make sure I got it all out, and mostly I end up tossing it. (He hasn't gotten a letter like that from me in a long time =). If anything from the letter still lingers, I may or may not decide to bring it up later when we can discuss it calmly.
Another way I vent is to myself. Sometimes when I'm really upset I'll start cleaning, and I'm just talking and fussing and venting the whole time. Sometimes this backfires, because if I come across a dirty sock of his in the wrong place or something, it just fuels the flames! =) But you get the gist of it, whatever you gotta do to keep the peace. Then by the time he gets home, I'm tired of venting and I don't even want to talk about it, and if I still do I can bring it more calmly than if I had just called him and let loose at the moment of impact!

And last, I "Just do it" - Sometimes I have nice ideas of things I want to do for my husband floating around in my head. I keep them there and wait for the right moments to try them out. Some days I can get into a mood where I'm upset or frustrated and all that negative energy is directed toward him, for whatever reason, sometimes it's his fault sometimes not. It's times like this, when I'm just randomly upset, that I pull out one of my ideas to try. This way, I can channel my energy towards something good. I'll focus on making the house immaculate, redecorate a room, try a new recipe, fix myself up in a new way or even just workout (who wouldn't like a wife who's calm AND toned, hehe). I do something he would like and that makes me feel good too. The last time I felt this way, just recently, I made him a warm bath with candles and oils. I left him in the room to relax and I went and did the same. When he was done we were both relaxed and chill and he never knew that I had been fuming a few hours before =)

Now, NONE of this is to say that we do NOT have a right to get angry or speak our minds. Min. Farrakhan teaches that if truth comes from the mouth of your wife then you have an obligation to submit to the truth she speaks. It is our obligation to deliver that truth in a way in which he can easily accept it, and I have found that it is very difficult to even come to that point of realizing the truth of a matter when you are all wound up and upset and emotional. We can disagree with our husbands, give our opinions/advice and even argue, as long as it is in the best manner. It is better to keep the peace until you have come to the right conclusion on how to deliver what's on  your mind.
So now with a big, WOOSAH! and a prayer, the journey continues...

Atonement

I am really enjoying reading this book, not because I agree with everything or because it's an "easy" read. I am enjoying it because I see the Islam in it, and that I love. Truth is truth regardless of the vehicle it comes through. I am thankful to have been blessed with an open mind to be able to see the truth and beauty in the things around me. Life is mathematics, cause and effect, when you can see and understand that, things become much more clear. You can see and predict outcomes better and you can better understand the past. When you see your life not going as planned, or taking a dive, you can go back, recalculate and find a better solution. It is really a beautiful thing.

Since I started reading, I have pushed through the difficult parts of this book, reading it as often as possible, even when I'm upset, taking the information in, letting it marinate on my mind and making a sincere effort in doing the assignments. I believe that my efforts in trying to understand this book have helped me to really see it in another light.

After thinking about some things the author wrote a little more carefully, I can hear the voices of the Honorable Elijah Muhammad and Minister Farrakhan ringing in my ear. The lessons she shares are not new. In the very beginning of the book, in one of the first assignments, she says to apologize to your husband. Apologize for trying to change him and for not accepting him the way he is and to promise to be a better wife. I have friends who read that and found it very difficult to comprehend, and quite frankly so did I. I did it though, as I posted before, but after thinking again on what that assignment really meant, I realize now that I cheated and did not in fact, do everything the assignment said to do.

The word "atonement" means satisfaction or reparation for a wrong or injury; amends. We were given 8 steps of atonement at the Million Man March by the Honorable Minister Farrakhan:

1. Point out the wrong
2. Acknowledgement of wrong
3. Confess the fault
4. Repentance; feeling of remorse
5. Atonement; making amends/reparations
6. Forgiveness by the offended party
7. Reconciliation/Restoration; becoming friendly and peaceable again
8. Perfect union with Allah(God) and with each other

The first step in the book is atonement! The very first assignment is to write down 10 things you like about yourself, this is self atonement, then apologize/atone with your husband. The key is, that it doesn't work unless you go through ALL of the steps!

I came to this realization as I was going through the assignments of the book, fitting them in when I could, when it felt natural and not forced and when the timing was right. I said the little stuff I was supposed to say, I gave compliments and tried hard to show my appreciation for my husband. But I was getting worried because it seemed like I wasn't getting quite the results I wanted. He still seemed to be holding back from me, I thought maybe it was because he wasn't quite sure how sincere I was or what to make of the whole thing. So I started thinking, what was I doing wrong? How come I wasn't getting the results these women in the book were getting? Maybe this stuff doesn't work for black people. I read through the assignments again, to see if I had missed anything. There were a couple I hadn't done yet, but the time hadn't been right for those, and I didn't see them as being a major hangup in the results.

So, I continued to read, hoping that something in the remaining chapters would clue me in as to what was going on. Then I came to Chapter 12: Masculine Pride, this chapter talks about all the things men take men pride in, how their pride is wounded and the effects of a wounded pride. One way to tell his pride has been wounded is he becomes reserved. The reserved man puts up a wall to protect himself from being wounded after he has experienced the pain of being wounded in the past. This took me back! Not only to the beginning of my journey into fascinating womanhood, but back to the beginning of my marriage and the mistakes I made then. I was 18 years old when I married my husband. I was fresh out of high school, barely loose from my mother's apron strings. I swore I was grown and ready to take on the world, thirteen years and many, many blessings later I can affirmatively say that I wasn't! Haha, who knew! I have to give thanks to the God for helping us to stay together, because we were both young and inexperienced. I made a lot of mistakes as a young wife, and I can think of many instances when I unintentionally wounded his fragile pride. That's when it hit me, I had never really atoned with my husband for the mistakes I had made then, and as a result we were both still suffering from their effects.

That's when I realized, that first assignment in the book is talking about atonement, it sets the tone and lays the foundation for all the rest of the assignments. You can't even get a good result from the other assignments unless you do the first one correctly.
It took me a long time to even attempt to do that first assignment, and even when I finally did it, I tweeked it in a way that made it a little more comfortable for me to do, but that wasn't necessarily the best thing for the purpose it was meant to fill. If you recall from a previous posting, I told him I apologized for trying to change him and that I realized that he is already a good person and that I would turn my energy into working on myself. But that's not what the assignment said to do, and that's not the complete process of atonement. She says in the book, to tell him "I can see that I have not understood you in the past and that I have made many mistakes." That's pointing out the wrong, your own wrong, whether intentional or not, it must be brought to light and acknowledged. Did that, okay. Then she says "I'm glad you have not let me push you around...you have not been putty in my hands...you have your convictions". That's remorse, feeling regret for what you have done, letting him know you're glad it didn't work, lol. Next, "Will you forgive me for not understanding you?" Step 6 in the process of atonement! How can you say you have atoned with someone and you have not asked their forgiveness AND received it. I asked my husband not to say anything just listen, because I was so nervous and I really wasn't ready to ask for his forgiveness, but that's not the process. The last thing is to say " Let me prove to you that I can be a wonderful wife". That is part of step 7, restoration of the relationship which leads to a perfect union. I told him, I will focus on working on myself, not the same thing.

So basically, I didn't properly atone so I am not able to reap the same benefits as if I had done it right. I'm not disappointed though, I'm actually glad it worked out this way. Sometimes you can appreciate things a little better when doing it YOUR way doesn't work out. Now I see the benefit and purpose in what the author was suggesting, and in the steps of atonement that we were given all those years ago. So, I can do it again, this time sincerely and with understanding instead of just going through the motions. My husband can sense insincerity a million miles away, so even though he gave me a pleasant response that first night, he may still be wary that it was not completely sincere.

I will do the assignment again, this time including ALL the parts and all my heart and without expectation. I will do it because I owe him that and because it is the right thing to do. I will do it and give him the opportunity to forgive me and just see where everything else goes.
Praise be to Allah for the light of understanding!

One step forward...one step back

I've been battling my old self since I started on this journey of self improvement. Trying to kill old habits and take on new ideas and perspectives, as good as they are, just isn't a very easy thing to do.
When you fight against old habits and ways, you  are sometimes fighting things that have been apart of you your whole life. For me, that means getting over the feeling of needing acknowledgement for the things I do for my husband and family.

We all want to feel appreciated for the good we do, I believe that is a natural human desire. I also believe that we shouldn't do things in search of that appreciation. I think I am a good person, and I strive hard to be a good wife and mother, but I also tend to calculate the things I do when they are difficult, and I have to admit, I do expect to hear "thank you" after some of those more difficult things that I do. That is an unfortunate side effect of some aspects of my upbringing. As I child, I was rewarded for going above and beyond in the things I did, from grades to chores, so growing up I expected that to always be the case.

Anyway, after my little "domestic goddess" moment the other day, my husband gave me a "to do" list that required some difficulty on my part, this was the second task of its kind. I didn't want to do it, it was a sacrifice that I didn't want to make at the time, but I did it anyway, for him. Afterward, I allowed my frustration over the situation to get the better of me and I sort of snapped. No yelling or anything, I just made one of those little sarcastic remarks that we as women sometimes come up with so easily (smile). I told him I knew he appreciated what I had done even if he didn't say it, but in a smug sort of way.

He "apologized" in his own way, it was more of "that's my bad". I already knew I had messed up when I made my little remark, but I was sure of it when I got the "my bad" apology. I had basically tried to force him to appreciate what I had done, and being the man, he struggled not to have his hand forced by me while still trying appease me and keep things smooth between us. Therefore, I get "my bad".

Things have been a little lukewarm since, sarcasm isn't one the F.W. principles, now I feel like I have to start over. I hate I did that, and I see the affects of it and why it isn't good to do. But I continue to reiterate that this is a learning experience for me. I do feel that I am making progress because at least I am aware when I slip up. Before it probably would have turned into a big thing and I would've kept it going. (Lol) It's funny now that I think back on it, but I am moving forward from here.

 I see another thing that keeps coming up though. I see the need to find a balance between what I express and what I accept. I know myself, and I can only hold on to and accept certain things for so long before losing my cool and turning the little thing(s) that are bothering me into a big issue. I have to be able to express how I feel calmly, in the moment without letting things fester, but I also should 1. not let little things bother me and learn to look at the big picture and 2. make sure that I take care of his spirit and not constantly bombard him with negative feelings but also give up some positive accolades and encouragement as well.

So maybe this wasn't really a step back, in one sense it totally was, but in another sense there was growth in the process and that is always a forward move.

Now, on to the next assignment, showing appreciation for his making the living...hopefully I will have some positive results to share...(fingers crossed).

Domestic Goddess...check!

I stayed home today, which I get to do about once or twice a week. My routine on days like this consists of school with the children, fixing lunch, working on any projects I have going (or not) and trying to get the house clean and dinner ready before the hubby gets home. Most of us know how easy this sounds but how difficult it is to actually accomplish.
I have a system of cleaning that usually starts at the front of the house and goes to the back where our bedroom is. I never make it to the bedroom before he gets home. By that time I'm tired and feeling rushed and have utterly given up, thus the crown of "domestic goddess" has continued to elude me.

Today, I changed things up a little. After school, lunch and an outside break for the children, I explained to them that I wanted the house cleaned before daddy got home. My youngest daughter asked if he was going to be upset if it wasn't, I said no, but he's been gone all day and we want it clean for him when he gets home. They are used to having to clean everyday, but today, since I mentioned their dad, they did an awesome job. I didn't even have to go behind them, I was surprised yet very thankful for their extra efforts. I was able to focus on making our bedroom a haven so he could really relax when he got home.

I had an easy dinner planned, so even though it wasn't ready when he got home, I was able to get it to him in about 20 minutes. The children were content, (sort of :-), I fed my husband, then the children, then got the kitchen cleaned while he relaxed in our room. I was planning on sitting down with him and working on my next F.W. assignment, which is to tell him he is the most important person to me (chapter 6). By the time I was done with everything he was asleep on the bed in his p.j.s. I couldn't even be upset or disappointed, I was too content that I had made things peaceful enough for him to do that. It was a good feeling.

So, while trying to work on one thing, completing chapter 6, I actually accomplished another goal from a while back. I certainly wouldn't call myself a "goddess" after one success, but it's definitely a  start, and I learned some great lessons; 1 - get the children involved in what I'm trying to do, the book talks about that as well, it helps to foster their love and respect for their father as well, and 2 - save the kitchen for last, keep the bedroom clean and together!

Maybe next time, I'll make it there BEFORE he falls asleep!

Another real part of marriage...

7 DAYS OF SEX...A new show on Lifetime TV. Very interesting indeed =)

http://www.mylifetime.com/shows/7-days-of-sex/video/season-1/episode-2/episode-2-jamestipps

Important to read the WHOLE book

I'm glad I decided from the very beginning to read the ENTIRE book, from cover to cover, otherwise I know I would have skipped reading some of those sappy true stories after a while. Some people like to read other people's success stories but I must admit sometimes I'm just not in the mood to hear about how good someone else has it, even though they may have struggled to get to where they are.
I thought the stories were corny and useless at first, I just wanted to get to the steps I needed to take to get to my own happy ending. Now, however, I see the pure science behind the placement of these stories throughout the book.

Most relationships, regardless of what shape they're in, don't change over night. It takes work and patience. Apparently Helen Andelin is well aware of this phenomenon and the frustration that comes with it. Sometimes you feel like this can't possibly work for your situation or in real life at all! Then you come across a story that sounds strikingly familiar to yours, and somehow hope is restored.

                                                                         * * * * *

I will take this time to say how thankful I am for the teachings of the Most Honorable Elijah Muhammad and his representative the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan. It was the Honorable Elijah Muhammad who suggested that the sisters in the Nation of Islam read this book, and I probably would have never heard of it otherwise.

Because I have Islam, I am able to overlook the role-reversing effects this world has on the human psyche and delve into Fascinating Womanhood and see the truth that is has to offer. But it is also because of my Islam, that I am able to find a balance between Fascinating Womanhood and my role as a TRUE woman of God. In the book Andelin makes references to the degeneration of marriage because of women winning the right to vote and work outside the home. She often implies that a woman's ONLY place is in her home caring for her husband and family. "Forget about yourself and devote yourself to the welfare and happiness of your family." pg. 102 We are taught in Islam that a woman has the right to rise as high as her God-given talents and abilities will take her. I don't want to take what the author says out of context, but I do want to stress the need to always pursue balance in our lives and endeavors.

Dr. Ava Muhammad spoke this past Sunday in Chicago and brought up women in the time of Jesus. "For 6,000 years, women have been in a position of inferiority and subjugation to men, based on sexism, which like racism, is one of the four great impediments to self development. When you look for the Jesus, you are looking for a man whose relationship with and teachings about women are radically different than that of the religious institutions that exist in that time. In the time of Jesus, women in Palestine, women in those days, had almost no rights. They were restricted to roles of little or no authority...they were confined to the homes of their fathers or their husbands...Prior to this time, women were in every role that exists in the deliberative process of life...When Jesus came, he overthrew centuries of law and customs...He appointed women in the ministry. He had women as accountants in his ministry, he had women in his inner circle of disciples." 
http://noi.org/webcast/weekly-archive.shtml

I do not mean to say that Ms. Andelin supports the subjugation or role of inferiority for women, I do not know her position on that. This is just a reminder to us that as we involve ourselves in the process of becoming the ideal woman for our husbands, we keep in mind that God also placed in us gifts and talents that have great benefit to the entire UNIVERSE. I once told my mother that I wanted to be a housewife when I grew up. She said, "So you're gonna marry a house?"It would be a great disservice to humanity to keep some of the gifts and skills we have hidden away in our homes.

Think about it.

My trials

I never wanted to share anything negative about my family on this blog because, well, that's family business and besides I see that as more like venting rather than helping or inspiring. Besides we're all adults here and we are well aware of the fact that life ain't always peachy, and our marriages can sometimes be, less than stellar to say the least (smile). However, I did want to put a real face on what it means to try and live the principles of F.W. The reality of that comes with shining examples of my wins as well as the pitfalls of my losses or failures. It's all apart of the process.

Anytime you make strides to do something of good, God comes along to try you. He has to do this, not to knock you off your path or discourage you, but to test your faith in Him and in yourself and what it is you are trying to get accomplished. He has to try you so that He can show you what you are made of and to strengthen you. When you succeed, you can look back and know that God is God and He has the unmatched ability to bring you through whatever comes your way, and that if you CONTINUE to have faith in Him, whatever you set out to do of good, He can make successful if it is His will to do so.

So suffice it say, I am in the throws of my own trial. As I write this, I reminded that this is what comes with the territory. I put it out it out in the universe (and on the internet lol), that I was going to do this thing, read and attempt to practice and live out the principles of Fascinating Womanhood, for the benefit of myself, my husband and my family. So now, God must try me to see how serious I am about what I have set out to do. If I give in to the trial and quit, I am saying that I wasn't very serious about it in the first place and even worse, that I don't have faith in the God to see me through.

So here's where some of the problems lie. It is very difficult to practice the principles of F.W. when you are harboring disappointment, anger or hurt feelings toward your husband. To praise him, or support him or say some of the loving things that she suggests doesn't come very easy if you feel this way. This is where the strength of being a woman has  to come into play. We have to access the patience and nurturing nature that we have been given, but more importantly we have to access our natural affinity and trust in God and turn to Him.

In one of the stories in the book, there was a woman who was struggling to get her husband to do something, I can't remember right now what, but she realized after many failed attempts to change him, that she had to LET GO. She couldn't force him to do anything, she couldn't make him see things her way, she couldn't pry his eyes open to the suffering his actions were causing her. She HAD to "let go and let God" as they say in the church! She prayed that God would deal with him and she turned her attention and focus toward herself, and her role as a woman of God first and then as a wife and helpmeet to her husband. In the end, she was successful in first becoming a better person, then in receiving what she was trying to get from her husband all along.

I must say, that as I continue to write these words, the attitude that I been holding on to all week is
beginning to dissipate and I am seeing things more clearly and through the eyes of truth and principle and not emotion. It is really a beautiful thing (who new this would be so therapeutic).
Whatever our husbands faults are, or whatever character flaws he has, it IS our job as wife to HELP him MEET and fulfill his role as a man of God. But it is THE WAY WE GO ABOUT IT that
ensures either our success or our failure in this endeavor. "The way" is not by force or covert tactics! Ha, who knew! Anyway, there is a lot more on this in the book. As followers of the Honorable Elijah Muhammad, we get a lot on this as well through our lessons and through his servant the Honorable Minister Farrakhan, so I will leave this point for now.

To give a little background on my current situation,  my husband decided to move us to a new city pretty far from where we were living, and the only place our children have known to live. I did not agree with the move nor his reasons for the move, but I went along with it because I could see it meant a lot to him and I didn't want him to become resentful if we stayed.
But soon I became very uncomfortable with the new situation, it was becoming more of a hardship and a burden than the new and exciting thing he had hoped it would be, especially on the children and myself. I now struggle with whether I should try and cope with our new life here or try and convince him that we should go back or try something else all together.
I want to tell my husband that I support him in his decision to move and that I will help him inany way I can to fulfill his dreams, but I also want to tell him that this is not really what I want and I don't like it here. So, what do I do?
 
In Chapter 6: "Make Him Number One", the author talks about all the things women put ahead of their husbands needs and well-being, including money/status, our careers/talents and our children. I think this may be what I am guilty of right now. I have been putting my children before my husband, I thought I was being a good mother by doing this, but I neglected to think about whether or not I was being a good wife. In this chapter the author also states, "Remember: It is better to let a man have his way and fail, than to stand in his way and make him feel thwarted".

In the Nation of Islam Supreme Wisdom, Lesson Number 1, we are given seven training units to make us Muslim Girls in Training (MGT). They are; how to keep house, how to take care of our husbands, how to rear our children, sew, cook and in general, how to act at home and abroad. 
This is from Allah (God), that the care of our husbands should come before the rearing (not care) of our children. So there lies the answer to my question. I have to put my husband first and have faith that Allah will not let us flounder. If I let go of wanting to control the situation and play my part, He will take care of the rest. I also have to keep in mind that my husband is a good man, and wants the best for his family. I have to have faith in him that he will do the right thing by us in the long run.

I know off the back that this will require some SERIOUS patience and understanding on my part! I am very thankful to Allah for His Messenger and the lessons he provided for us, and I am also thankful for this book, Fascinating Womanhood, which outlines a practical approach to becoming a Godly woman. I'm always able to read something there that re-inspires me to keep going on this mission to be my natural self.

Again, I hope this is helpful to those reading it, it has truly been helpful to me writing it.

"Try it at home"

"The most wonderful part of my life is that I really love my husband so much and I know that he loves me deeply in return. This is the greatest joy that anyone can experience! As we women change within ourselves-following the steps outlined in this course-we do not lose our individuality or identity. We finally find it, with a sigh of relief and unexpected joy. It is never too late! It really works!"

This is a quote from the book, pp. 70-71. In this chapter, there are three things given to appreciate in your husband: character, intelligence and what he does for you. The assignment is to think of his better side, make a list of his virtues and during the week express your appreciation for these things.

I would like to invite all of you to join me in this assignment this coming week. If you have the book, pull it out and read through chapter 4 "Appreciate Him (Look to his better side) for some added inspiration. The rest of the assignment says to also make a point of appreciating his earning the living, hmm!

Lets do this together and show our husbands some love. Lets check back in and share some of the responses we get. Remember!!! You have to do it with sincerity and honest love, otherwise they may think you are being funny or patronizing, especially if this is not something you do on a regular basis. I look forward to hearing your wonderful experiences.

Preparing Ourselves for Marriage pt 1

Preparing Ourselves for Marriage pt 2

Preparing Ourselves for Marriage pt 3

Thank You!

I just want to thank those of you who are following my posts here on this blog. It has become a journey of love for me to do this and I am truly enjoying the journey.

When I married at the age of 18, there were VERY few women who would talk to me openly and honestly about what to expect. The internet wasn't as widespread and diverse in content as it is now, so I was left on my own to figure it out, and by Allah's grace, mercy and guidance, my husband and I have been together now for over 13 years.

Now that there is so much information out there online on every and any subject imaginable, I  wanted to share my personal journey with the sisterhood to hopefully inspire all of us in our marriages and to create a female bond between us that we can look to and utilize as we struggle to become one with our spouses. I feel like it is a good thing to share with our sisters some things that work and don't work, without getting all up in each others personal business, so that we can all benefit from a happy family life.

My goal is to share my story in a way that makes it easy for others to relate. I hope and pray that sisters who may have more experience than I do join in and share their stories, and I encourage those who are newly wed to join in and share some of those inspiring new-love stories that you are experiencing right now.

I apologize for some of these typos in the posts, sometimes I write them in the middle of the night after a long day of doing everything! I go back periodically to check for those as spelling and grammar are big pet peeves of mine!

I am attempting to follow the book "Fascinating Womanhood" to the "T", but I am open to suggestions on how to make this blog better and get it out there to reach as many sisters as possible. Please subscribe to the blog, suggest it on your social network sites and by word of mouth. Also, if you have or know of any links to books, websites, seminars or other resource on women, marriage or family please share!

I love all my sisters and I hope with all sincerity that what I am doing here has been and will continue to be helpful.

Minister Farrakhan - "A Nation Can Rise No Higher Than It's Woman" (2 of 2)

What does it mean to be "fascinating"?

 I probably should have put this post first, because the first thing you should do before embarking upon any kind of study, is define WHAT it is you are studying. Duh! You wouldn't commit to starting piano lessons if you didn't even know what a piano was, right? Or maybe you're adventurous like that, and you would sign up for something, or take a class in something without having the slightest clue what it was. 

But, to give things a little more perspective, I decided to define a few terms. This gives me a good visual of what it is I'm trying to become. The idea to do this was inspired during a conversation I was having with my husband this morning. He was confiding in me some realizations he had come to learn about himself. As I listened, I kept thinking, "How would a fascinating woman respond to this? How would she motivate and inspire him, and assure him of her love. What would she say to her husband that would captivate him and cause him to be in awe of her wit and wisdom?" 

I was sad to realize that even after what I have read so far, I didn't even have a visual in my head to pull on of really what it meant to be "fascinating". So, I put the dictionary to use and came up with this:

fascinating[ fas-uh-ney-ting ]

adjective

1. of great interest or attraction; enchanting; charming; captivating: a fascinating story; fascinating jewelry.

 fascinate [ fas-uh-neyt ]

verb (used with object)

1. to attract and hold attentively by a unique power, personal charm, unusual nature, or some other special quality; enthrall: a vivacity that fascinated the audience.

2. to arouse the interest or curiosity of; allure.

3. to transfix or deprive of the power of resistance, as through terror: The sight of the snake fascinated the rabbit.

 

So...to elaborate:

of [ uhv, ov, uh v, uh ]

preposition

2. (used to indicate derivation, origin, or source): a man of good family; the plays of Shakespeare; a piece of cake

interest [ in-ter-ist, -trist ]

noun

1. the feeling of a person whose attention, concern, or curiosity is particularly engaged by something: She has a great interest in the poetry of Donne.

2. something that concerns, involves, draws the attention of, or arouses the curiosity of a person: His interests are philosophy and chess.

3. power of exciting such concern, involvement, etc.; quality of being interesting: political issues of great interest.

attraction [ uh-trak-shuh n ]

noun

1. the act, power, or property of attracting.

2. attractive quality; magnetic charm; fascination; allurement; enticement: the subtle attraction of her strange personality.

3. a person or thing that draws, attracts, allures, or entices: The main attraction was the after-dinner speaker.

 

enchanting [ en-chan-ting, -chahn]

adjective

1. charming; captivating: an enchanting smile.

charming[ chahr-ming ]

adjective

1. pleasing; delightful: a charming child.

2. using charm; exercising magic power.

captivate[ kap-tuh-veyt ]

verb (used with object) -vat·ed, -vat·ing.

1. to attract and hold the attention or interest of, as by beauty or excellence; enchant: Her blue eyes and red hair captivated him.

2. to capture; subjugate.

WOW! There is so much in these definitions and it makes things so clear. I see what it is and who it is I want to be. I want to have a magnetic charm over my husband, and be pleasing and delightful for him to be around. Definitions of words give you the descriptive details you need to envision what it is you desire to become, and books, lessons, assignments and application give you the means to get there.