Dealing with difficulty

I think it goes without saying, that anything of any real value has a difficulty factor attached to it. The birth of a child, the start of a new business, the purchase of a home, the strengthening of self - mind, body and spirit and the development of a healthy relationship are all very valuable in life. Everything that we place a hefty value on, we have to work at it to achieve, obtain or perfect it, and sometimes that process can be difficult or even painful.

Since the difficulty in the process is to be expected, what can we do to get ourselves and our spouses through those times over to the other side? What coping methods have you applied in your life to get you through the tough moments with your spouse as you strive for a perfect union?

My past methods/mistakes include but are not limited to; the silent treatment, writing lengthy letters, the "attitude" (minus the black girl neck roll, lol) and the "let's just have it out right now" *discussion*, which often leads to the "I've been holding this in forever" argument. I can look back on these methods now and shake my head at myself. How juvenile and unproductive these were. Though I do not in any way proclaim to have "arrived", I think I have grown up a little and I am trying out new ways of handling my upsets and disappointments when it comes to my husband.

Chapter 8, "The Leader", talks about  how to let your man be the leader and ways to give feminine advice. I find these are often the source of much of our discord. Husband makes a decision about something or says how he wants something to be done and I don't agree, and thus we have a potential problem on our hands. How should you handle this type of situation? The author of F.W. gives eight steps on how to let him lead; let go of control, honor his position, be adaptable, be obedient (no frowns or snippy comments), present a united front (to the children) and support his plans and decisions. These are important to help keep peace and order in the home, and they ensure things run smoothly.  But what if there is a decision that you just can't support? Or what if he plans something that you feel will hinder plans you have made for yourself or your children? Step eight says to assert yourself, because there are times when you should speak out. "Whether he invites your opinion or not, assert yourself honestly, and if necessary, strongly." But remember ladies, if you are married, "you don't have the final say, but you do have a say." She goes on to give methods of how to do this, many of which I have been using lately, including thinking things through in your own mind first. Think: are you considering his needs, are you being unreasonable or selfish, are you considering his motive, etc.
Next she says to pray about it, some may also use meditation, calling on a higher spirit to guide you in what you need to say and to help you see things more clearly. Then go to your husband in confidence, don't shrink. Tell him you have thought about it, prayed about it and now you would like him to think about it. *like*
Then there are the cases when you need to be the "counselor", because we are that too. Sometimes we have to step up and help our men make some difficult decisions for the family. I like step three in "How to give feminine advice" in the same chapter. She says to express insight when giving advice, meaning use language that indicates insight when you talk to him such as; "I feel", "I sense", or "I perceive". It can be difficult at times for a man to take advice from a woman, even if he asked for it, so it is important to do this in a mindful way so there is no misunderstanding and he can see what you're saying more clearly. There is really no argument for how one feels or what one senses or perceives, so it is better to come from this direction. He can put up a good argument for what you say you think or you know. I like that bit of advice and I can bear witness to its validity.
The other steps in "how to give feminine advice" include; ask leading questions, listen, don't appear to know more than he does, don't be motherly and don't talk man to man. These are all explained very well and in detail in the book.

So, in my "big girl" years, I have tried these tactics for dealing with disagreements with my husband.

Reflection - I think about why he did what he did. What was his purpose, motive and intention for making that decision. I also think about why it has affected me so negatively. Am I really upset over this current situation, or could it be that it has just triggered something from my past that I had a negative affect on me. (Once, years ago, I had an ex tell me to "stay in my place" in front of all my friends. To this day that phrase makes me hot!) In instances like this, I have to relax and calm down, because maybe he has no idea that he just triggered something in me.
Reflecting on the situation also helps me to see my role in how things are playing out. If I stop and think about it, I can look at myself and see my mistakes and shortcomings. It may be that I caused the whole upset to begin with, or it could simply be a misunderstanding. I can look into the situation from my husband's perspective to see his intentions. This helps me to see past his faults or his delivery to see what he really meant to do or say.
And finally, after reflecting, if I still find that I need to say something, I can come up with a proactive way to handle it so that it doesn't lead to an argument or anything else that will disrupt our peace. In other words, I can think and act calmly and rationally which will hopefully lead to a positive and productive outcome.

Venting - Sometimes, I do vent. Those times when I want to yell and scream because things to me are just that bad, I vent. It is not right to vent your personal business or bad mouth your husband to your family or friends, nothing good can come of this. But, if you like to write (as I do) a journal can work wonders! I used to save them, but when I looked at them later, sometimes I couldn't even remember what I was upset about, and those weren't the kinds of things I wanted to be left in the atmosphere. So now when I'm done writing, I destroy the pages. (Ripping stuff up can help on its own =) Occasionally, I still write him that long letter that tells him just how I feel. Sometimes I even think I'm going to give it to him. Then I reread it to make sure I got it all out, and mostly I end up tossing it. (He hasn't gotten a letter like that from me in a long time =). If anything from the letter still lingers, I may or may not decide to bring it up later when we can discuss it calmly.
Another way I vent is to myself. Sometimes when I'm really upset I'll start cleaning, and I'm just talking and fussing and venting the whole time. Sometimes this backfires, because if I come across a dirty sock of his in the wrong place or something, it just fuels the flames! =) But you get the gist of it, whatever you gotta do to keep the peace. Then by the time he gets home, I'm tired of venting and I don't even want to talk about it, and if I still do I can bring it more calmly than if I had just called him and let loose at the moment of impact!

And last, I "Just do it" - Sometimes I have nice ideas of things I want to do for my husband floating around in my head. I keep them there and wait for the right moments to try them out. Some days I can get into a mood where I'm upset or frustrated and all that negative energy is directed toward him, for whatever reason, sometimes it's his fault sometimes not. It's times like this, when I'm just randomly upset, that I pull out one of my ideas to try. This way, I can channel my energy towards something good. I'll focus on making the house immaculate, redecorate a room, try a new recipe, fix myself up in a new way or even just workout (who wouldn't like a wife who's calm AND toned, hehe). I do something he would like and that makes me feel good too. The last time I felt this way, just recently, I made him a warm bath with candles and oils. I left him in the room to relax and I went and did the same. When he was done we were both relaxed and chill and he never knew that I had been fuming a few hours before =)

Now, NONE of this is to say that we do NOT have a right to get angry or speak our minds. Min. Farrakhan teaches that if truth comes from the mouth of your wife then you have an obligation to submit to the truth she speaks. It is our obligation to deliver that truth in a way in which he can easily accept it, and I have found that it is very difficult to even come to that point of realizing the truth of a matter when you are all wound up and upset and emotional. We can disagree with our husbands, give our opinions/advice and even argue, as long as it is in the best manner. It is better to keep the peace until you have come to the right conclusion on how to deliver what's on  your mind.
So now with a big, WOOSAH! and a prayer, the journey continues...