Greetings everyone! 

    It is good to be back. I had to take a little hiatus from writing on this forum to engage in another very important project. Baby girl number three was born three months ago on April 6th, at home with just me, the hubby and two of her three older siblings. 
    
    I attempted to continue reading the book, Fascinating Womanhood and execute the given assignments while posting my findings to this blog. However, by my second trimester that plan hit the back burner. 

    Like many women, I usually experience waves of emotions throughout my pregnancy and I go up and down in my feelings and resulting demeanor. I always blame it on the hormones! :) With this pregnancy I was very impatient with myself and with people and situations around me. I was not really in a good place to attempt being a fascinating woman, happens to the best of us. I put the book down and stepped away from writing because I did not want to taint the process I had embarked upon. I knew my attitude would change once the baby was born and I would be back to my wonderful self. ;) My little girl is three months old now and I'm back, ready to begin again the process of becoming a fascinating woman, wife and mother. Before I get to the present I am compelled to give a little insight into my recent past. 

    Another reason I had to step back from the journey of fascinating womanhood (with my husband) was because I went on a journey to give birth, not just have a baby, which I believe is also an aspect of being a "fascinating woman". After having c-sections with all of my other children and being told by my OB that I would have to have yet another one (for no other reason than I had had several already) AND that the surgeons would want to tie my tubes, I completely removed myself from the medical way of doing things and took matters into my own hands. My husband and I studied together and prepared ourselves to deliver our own baby, at home, by ourselves. I was a little nervous about the whole thing but I knew there was no other way if I wanted to have a pleasant birth experience and avoid another surgery. I read everything I could find on the subject and tried my best to take good care of myself physically. To make a nine month long story short, through my faith in God and in myself and having trust in my dear husband, I was successful in delivering a very healthy baby at home. It was my very first natural/normal birth experience and I felt absolutely wonderful about it. 
I had my shortest labor and was completely awake and coherent the entire time. My husband was perfect, he was just what I needed him to be right when I needed it.

    The experience of giving birth to my daughter has taught and continues to teach me so much about myself, about life and nature and about my husband. It has helped shed new light on the type of man he is and the type of marriage we have. Her birth was a culmination of my faith and determination and a testament to the power of God being alive in the human spirit. It was an experience that I will be able to use forever in my life whenever I have goals I want to achieve or challenges I need to overcome. Now that the smoke has cleared some, I can refocus my attention to some of my previous goals as well as some new ones that I have gained the courage to set. Details of  this birth experience and what it has taught me will be available in a book I am currently working on (woo hoo)...now back to "Fascinating Womanhood"! 



~Peace

What is femininity REALLY???

It has been a long time since I have posted anything. With school starting for my children, my free time has dwindled slightly to say the least. :-) So my posts may be few and far in between sometimes, but I'm still trying to complete this project as I intended.

Since starting this book I have become a huge fan and an advocate of the principles found within its pages. I have tried many of them myself and have achieved great results. So far I have been in agreement with Ms. Andelin in her views on marriage and women's roles. I found many of her views to be right in line with the teachings of the Honorable Elijah Muhammad on women in Islam.
However, I have recently come across something that I am finding difficult to reconcile within my thinking. It's one of those things that someone is telling you is truth and providing all the evidence to prove their point, but it just goes against everything you've ever been taught even from childhood. I'm hoping some of you who may read this will chime in and offer some of your thoughts.

I am finishing up the section on femininity. If you recall, I talked about her chapters on the feminine appearance and mannerisms in earlier posts. I am now on the chapter entitled The Feminine Nature. Her characters of the feminine nature include: weakness, softness, submissiveness, dependence, tenderness, fearfulness and sweet promise.
 
Well, let's see, I learned early on in my childhood not to challenge men, or males, especially in things that they are naturally inclined to be good at. I learned that there are ways to get my point across and even my way, without directly challenging that ever so sensitive male ego. When I was a girl I didn't want to get into fights with boys over stupid stuff, so I didn't tease them or challenge them to contests. If we were playing together, I would just do my thing and let my actions speak for themselves. When I got married, I realized that challenging my husband was a quick means to messy end. Sometimes you gotta just give in and let him do his thing and find the right time and the right way to make your point. I heard Minister Farrakhan explain this by saying it is in a man's nature to excel a woman so that she will look up to him, and a woman has in her nature the desire to look up to her man. I don't have a problem with "taking low" as I call it, to avoid conflict and let my husband be the man. When it is necessary for me to correct my him or any man I may work with or come in contact with, I strive hard to do it in the best possible manner so as not to offend. I'm not perfect in this, and I admit I do challenge him sometimes, but I understand the principle and why being a submissive wife is important.

I have no problem with being dependent on my husband. I'm not trying to be an "independent black woman" and show the world how I can do everything on my own. God created everything in pairs, each dependent on the other for optimum success. I need and depend on him for certain things, and he needs me and depends on me for certain things. We have our roles and our strengths and weaknesses as individuals and as a couple. Together, we rely on each other to make our lives work and to achieve success. So I'm proud to say, I do need a man! Lol That's what they're here for right! (Just remember, they need us too.)

I think I'm pretty soft in my mannerisms, my husband has never complained about this. And as for sweet promise, well I'm still not exactly sure what she means by that! So I don't know if I have it or not.

The parts I have an issue with in this chapter are her points on being weak and fearful. She drives the point in about a woman not displaying too many signs of competency or ability in the presence of a man. She even says this is how seemingly clueless women are able to attract well-off, intelligent men. I've never been an airhead, for any reason. Again, I understand the point of helping to protect the male ego, and displaying a need for them. But to accept the characteristic of weakness, I just cannot accept. I do little things around my husband like make sure to leave all the heavy bags for him when we're unloading groceries together, or I may ask him to open a jar if he's with me in the kitchen. Little things like that I know show him I need him and he feels good doing those things for me. But I don't believe that either of us is under any illusion that I am a weak woman, in any sense of the word. In fact, let's define it. Webster's dictionary defines the word weak as; 

1

: lacking strength: as

a : deficient in physical vigor : feeble, debilitated

b : not able to sustain or exert much weight, pressure, or strain

c : not able to resist external force or withstand attack

d : easily upset or nauseated <a weak stomach>

2

a : mentally or intellectually deficient

b : not firmly decided : vacillating

c : resulting from or indicating lack of judgment or discernment

d : not able to withstand temptation or persuasion <the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak>

3

: not factually grounded or logically presented <a weak argument>

4

a : not able to function properly <weak eyes>

b (1) : lacking skill or proficiency <tutoring for weaker students> (2) : indicative of a lack of skill or aptitude <history was my weakest subject>

c : wanting in vigor of expression or effect <a weak translation of the poem>

5

a : deficient in the usual or required ingredients : dilute <weak coffee>

b : lacking normal intensity or potency <a weak radio signal> <a weak strain of virus>

6

a : not having or exerting authority or political power <weak government>

There's a lot there, but I don't claim any of it. I know for a fact that my husband is physically stronger than I am. It would be a shame if he wasn't, unless there was a medical issue present. Yet I do not accept that that makes me weak. I may not be able to do as many push ups, but I've carried babies, and that takes some serious strength. And I've got just enough girth to help him move furniture when no one else is there to help. SO, me, deficient in physical vigor, I don't think so. And I think this is true for most women. We have muscles, we have girth. Not as much as men, and we certainly shouldn't go around flaunting it, but we also shouldn't deny it and we shouldn't try to be weak.

There is nothing wrong with a woman basking in the strength of her husband or mate, and keeping her own strengths at bay in his presence. But to deny that strength all together and claim yourself to be weak, I believe is wrong. I think Mrs. Andelin should maybe have used other wording for this point, because language is powerful and it can shape your thinking and ultimately what you will become. I would NEVER tell my daughters to be weak in the presence of men. My father did not encourage me to be a weak woman, in fact he encouraged my strength. As does my husband, he even  suggested I try his push up regimen. Lol

Next is the point on being fearful. Um, no. First of all, as Muslims, we are taught to fear no one but Allah (God), so why would I claim to be afraid of everything just to attract the fascination of a man. Andelin writes, "feminine women have a natural fear of dangers, whereas men are inclined to be unafraid of dangers". She even states that some men will intentionally put their wives in dangerous situations just to see how fearful their women are and how unafraid they are. That goes back to the old cliche I guess of a guy taking his girl to a scary movie just so she will want him to protect her. I guess, I can recall times that my husband has been amused when I became scared over something trivial, like turbulence on a plane or even earthquakes. He's so silly, the last few quakes we had he was riding them like ocean waves laughing, while I'm worried whether or not I should go grab the children! That's nature at work, sure.
Still, I don't want to claim that I am scary woman. It is natural to be afraid of things sometimes, but I believe in conquering my fears, not giving in to them. No doubt, my husband is my protector, he's my own personal knight in shining armor! It's his job to protect me and his children and I let him. He sees dangers that I miss, and I listen and try to heed his warnings, but that doesn't mean I'm going to shrivel up at every fear that pops up in my head. Some of that stuff I gotta ride like a wave!

These two things in particular, that Andelin teaches attract and fascinate men, are simply contrary to the teachings of Islam as taught by the Honorable Elijah Muhammad. He taught women that one day we may have to fight along side our men for the sake of Islam. He taught us of the women in the Bible like Mary and Hagar who were strong and fearless and stood their ground in the face of adversity. He reminded us that when Jesus was crucified and the disciples had turned away from him, it was women who stood by him and continued to propagate the faith after he was gone. Fear and weakness is not taught to the women in the Nation of Islam. My parents NEVER taught me to be afraid of ANYTHING and they both told me to be strong, physically, mentally and physically. 

So I must respectfully disagree with Ms. Helen Andelin on these points. I don't believe that accepting these things as a part of our character as women is a good thing for anyone.
I would love to hear some of your thoughts and these points as well. Do you agree or disagree? Is there some sort of compromise that can be made? Can a women take low for the sake of her husband but remain strong in her right? Should she play the damsel in distress to win the affection of a man? What do you think? 

The Feminine Woman

I am no expert in relationships or on women's issues, however I have established for my own purposes one rule of thumb, everything a woman does should have a woman's touch.
I am not a feminist but I do believe in a woman's right to express her God-given talents and gifts, whether they be in baking and sewing or boxing and basketball. However I also believe that whatever a woman does should be done differently from men, she should put her unique, feminine touch on it.
Women play professional basketball and box, but there is a marked difference between the way men play and the way women play, as it should be. And there are some sports that I just don't condone for women, like football or body building, I think we have to draw the line somewhere!

I have been a martial artist for over twenty years, I have a first degree black belt and several sparring awards. I had to work with and spar against plenty of men and boys during my training, however I never ended up fighting like a man and my demeanor never changed once the gloves were off. Being a martial artist has made me stronger, indeed, but it hasn't taken away my feminine essence. When I am in the ring I use my dainty stature to my advantage, I tend to be a little faster and can reach those little hidden spots on my opponent's body that they least expect. When I workout with my male classmates, I never compete with them on the basis of strength, muscle or brawn. I respect their superior strength and I make use of my speed and agility to ensure that we both get a good workout. (They respect my size in return and never take advantage of their strength when working with me or the other female students).

Now I am ABSOLUTELY sure that Mrs. Helen Andelin would not approve of a woman playing any sport that a man plays and a woman boxing or sparring would probably give her a heart attack! But being a feminine woman is not about denying your strength and acting helpless, it's about putting your God-given womanly touch on everything that you do. Black women, in particular, but plenty of women in general, throughout history have been superior warriors, soldiers and leaders. God has given us that strength to use when necessary. Yet, it is in our nature to be different from the man and we should embrace that, rather than spend so much time challenging him in his role. The first female of pharaoh of Egypt, Queen Hatshepsut, was an amazing ruler of the kingdom after her husband, but she was first a beautiful woman who captured his heart with her feminine charm and graces. I wholeheartedly agree with Ms. Andelin in her description of a feminine woman in the book, but I have to add that being strong is also apart of being a woman, and this is something that she never seems to mention or acknowledge.

I think for the most part, black women have had no problems embracing our strength and fortitude in this world, we have however, and quite unfortunately, lost touch with our femininity and what comprises a feminine manner. Being a feminine woman seems to be turning into a lost art among the masses of our sisters. Charm and grace are no longer passed down from mother to daughter. We constantly bombard our girls with instruction on how to fight, how not to be taken advantage of, how to stick up for herself, how to tell a man off, etc. etc. but the art of how to be a good wife, homemaker and a charming, feminine woman seem to be excluded from the conversation. Lessons like how to control your voice are no longer covered.
Do we tell our daughters that a woman shouldn't be loud or boisterous, that her voice and tone should be soft and gentle? She shouldn't cackle or roar with laughter, to the point where one can see the entire inside of her mouth. A woman should have pleasant facial expressions. We shouldn't walk around looking like we're mad at the world and we're just waiting for somebody to say something to us so we have a reason to go off. (You know the look, think PMS plus my check is late, lol).
Andelin writes, "Facial expression has its roots in character. If you have a gentle character, it's natural and easy to have a gentle expression. On the other hand, if you have a harsh, critical, impatient, character you'll have difficulty keeping these unwholesome traits from creeping into your face." I like this, and I agree, what you feel on the inside can't help but show up at some point on the outside. So to become feminine women we really have work from the inside out and develop our character.

Another point we tend to miss as women is refinement, or "good social breeding". This means to be tactful, considerate, diplomatic, courteous and sensitive to others. Some examples would be; never interrupting someone who is speaking, never bringing up a subject that would embarrass someone in the group, never pointing the finger of scorn to another person. A refined person is never rude, impolite or inconsiderate. A refined person NEVER uses profane or vulgar language, swears or tells profane jokes. The book also mentions not scratching yourself, and no picking or blowing your nose in public. She also writes that a refined woman never rubs her husband's back, strokes his hair or fondles him in public. Um, I guess, I do tend to rub my husband's back in public on occasion, I didn't know that was such savage behavior, =) but I get the point.

I think as women, we really need to try and go back to the basics. We have overcome nearly every obstacle formed against us in this male-dominated society. Every year you hear about the first woman to do this or the other. But while we were out conquering the world, our home lives have suffered and our girls have missed out on some valuable lessons. It is so important to be strong in this day and age, you may be eaten alive if you're not; but it also important to embrace that part of ourselves that makes us women, because that is uniquely ours and is a divine gift from our Creator.


More later...

Reviving the Ebony Homemaker

"Tell your husband that he is the most important person in your life and then prove by your actions that this is true."

This statement is not really the basis for my post today, I just came across it as I was thumbing through the book and I thought I'd share. It is actually one of the assignments from Chapter 6 "Make Him Number One". Just something to keep in mind.


Actually, I have gotten a lot of reading accomplished lately, I finally finished part 1 Angelic Qualities. The last chapter in that section is The Domestic Goddess and it was great! The idea of striving to be an accomplished homemaker was not foreign to me, however in the journey of life, you can never have too much knowledge and information and I really enjoyed reading what the author had to say on the matter.

One major theme in this section of the book focuses on the attitude we carry regarding housework.
She shares tips on how to find pleasure in what can often be the drudgery of keeping house. She implores women to take pride in the role of homemaker, and tries to impress upon her readers the importance of working at doing a good job rather than doing just enough to get by. She tries to help women realize that our place in the home is an honored one and is absolutely essential to the function, well-being and success of the entire family.
I can bear witness that at times, life can become so busy and crowded with outside activities and responsibilities that my home life suffers. Andelin writes, "I believe our natural instinct is to enjoy domestic work as little girls do (when they play house) and being crowded for time robs us of enjoyment...Ask yourself , 'What am I doing that is more important than doing domestic work and enjoying it?'" I will be the first to confess that I don't get excited at the thought of having to clean the bathroom, or wash the dishes after dinner or vacuum or any of that. I don't particularly enjoy housework in that sense. But, when I think about how important it is for these things to be done, I take pleasure in knowing that I am doing something good for my family (and I do enjoy marveling at the finished result).
The Honorable Minister Louis Farrkhan teaches us that home is a woman's base, and NOT necessarily her place. This is to say that the home is the launching pad for the woman and her family to prepare themselves to go out and conquer the world. Think of a rocket being launched into space and the work that it is destined to do, how important then is the vessel that houses that rocket until it is ready for take off. It must be kept, maintained, organized, strong and in top shape in order to get optimal results from the launch and the rocket itself. Think about how far the rocket goes when it is launched properly, amazing!

Andelin gives advice on meal preparation, organizing your home, decorating, cleaning and prioritizing, something that is crucial when you have a lengthy to-do list of responsibilities. One of the assignments at the end of the chapter is to list in order of importance, your six most essential responsibilities. She suggests you ask your husband and children for their ideas when creating this list, which I thought was a good idea. I never thought to ask them what they think are the most important things I do. It will be interesting to hear their responses.

One small section she writes in this chapter sort of intrigued me and started a spiral of thoughts and ideas in my head. It is the section on the Housedress. By housedress, she means a cotton, cute, ultra feminine dress comfortable enough for you to wear around the house, with an apron, as a sort of "uniform" when doing your daily tasks. She says it is an "identifying marker" of your role in the home, as "queen of the household".
Now initially I read this and scoffed at the idea of wearing this "suzy-homemaker" style dress and apron to do anything, let alone clean toilets and wash dishes. I laughed to myself thinking about a 1950s housewife trying to make it in a 2012 world, happily going about her chores as if nothing existed outside the walls of her own home. I also thought the idea of a uniform for being in the house was kind of funny. I enjoy the days when I can stay home because I can wear whatever and be comfortable. Then I thought about it some more, I wear a uniform when I train at the martial arts studio, I wear one when I go to the Mosque, I had a certain type of attire I wore when I taught in the classroom, so why should the idea of a particular home attire be so amusing to me when my job there is the most important one I have.
I also thought about what my husband would think if he came home and saw me in the kitchen in that little cotton dress and apron. Would he be impressed? Would he be intrigued and awed? Or would he laugh and ask what the heck I was doing?
The stereotypical image that kept popping into my head was a white suburban housewife in a poofy dress and apron dusting the fine china, and I did NOT want to be this woman. But then I thought, black women have an ancient history of being masters of homemaking. We have done it since the beginning of time, we have been forced to do it for others and we continue to do it while we pursue careers and education outside the home. So why not wear my apron proudly as a badge of honor for the work that I do for my family. In the least, I was enamored by the thoughts and questions that I had come up with and I decided that I would try it, if only to rest my curiosity.
I think I have one of those little cotton numbers somewhere in my closet (at least something similar) and I'm going to make myself a cute, and feminine apron to wear when I'm working around the house. I googled "aprons" and times sure have changed! There are some really unique styles out there that should make this a pretty fun and interesting experiment. Since this will be my "uniform" for the purpose of housekeeping, I won't have to worry about getting it dirty, it will be flirty and functional. ;-) Right now I clean the house in sweats and a t-shirt, so I guess anything else would be better! I should have some updates on this little experiment soon.

In summary, the qualities of a domestic goddess, according to the author are:

      1. Does her job well, beyond the call of duty
      2. Is a good manager of time and values
      3. Adds feminine touches to her homemaking
      4. Adds warmth to her household
      5. Honors her role in the home
      6. Is happy in her role, fulfilled

In reading this, I couldn't help but feel grateful for the teachings and wisdom of Master Fard Muhammad in giving to the women in Islam seven training units, which include, keeping house, rearing the children and taking care of our husbands. This book "Fascinating Womanhood" just bears witness to what I am already being taught.

Part of the assignment for this chapter is also to list your domestic strengths, then list your weaknesses and improve on them. I hope we all begin to look at our home lives with a little more regard and hold ourselves in higher esteem for the  roles we play in the lives of our families.

Love Journal, Entry #1

I am supposed to write my successes in my love journal, according to the book. But since I'm blogging anyway (and it's faster to just type it it out) I figured I would go ahead and put it here for now.

The story goes like this:

I have been wanting to move, for the past six months since we've been in this new city, I've been wanting to move back where we came from. I submitted to coming here against all my better judgement and wishes because my husband wanted to try it. Once we got here, I bluntly told him I didn't like it (not the best course of action as I look back on it =). I didn't put much effort into making this new place my home. I complained and finally, I tried to rationally plead my case. After thinking over my last attempt at coercion, my husband finally gave in and started making arrangements for us to move.

Now this is NOT success. On the contrary, I looked at this as a huge failure on my part. I couldn't be happy about the decision to move back, as much as I had wanted it! I looked at my husband's face and knew he was disappointed. I told him I didn't want to do it if he would be resentful of me. He insisted he wouldn't be. It didn't take a book to tell me what I knew in my heart I had to do. I had been so unpleasant about things the first go around, I felt I owed him better. I owed it to him to support him in his desire to try something new and different, whatever his reasons may be for doing so. I felt I would be stifling him if I allowed him to give in to what I wanted. I took a deep breath and asked God for the strength to keep the promise I was about to make...I told my husband that if he wanted to stay, I would do what I could to help him make it work. I told myself that I would do this with a good/pleasant spirit.

It took a LOT out of me to do that, I do not like where we have moved to, it is the opposite of what I had always envisioned for myself and my children. I made financial sacrifices to help him make this possible, and I struggle daily to be okay with this decision and to keep my word and be pleasant, I'm just being honest. So far I am doing okay...I'm gonna keep praying though!

A few days after our conversation about staying, while checking my facebook updates, I noticed a post from my husband. I always read his posts because he RARELY posts anything. He writes:

"I would like to facebook publicly thank my wife for her many years of help to me and my children. She has sacrificed a lot for me and she never really gets the appreciation she deserves. Allah says little it is that we give thanks. I am grateful."

Now the Minister just gave a lecture on vanity a few weeks ago, (check it out at www.noi.org) so I had to check myself at first (didn't want to get a big head, lol). But in the end I really enjoyed the sentiment, my heart was screaming, AWWWW!

The next day he looked at me and made sure he thanked me for dinner, which was nothing fancy - soup, salad and bread, but I could tell he was really trying to be appreciative.

Allah says "little it is that we give thanks", so I am thankful that my little efforts are appreciated.

If everyone is happy; me because I believe I did the right thing by my husband and I think God would be pleased with that, him because he gets to fulfill a desire, and the children because he and I are happy, then I would call THIS a success!

Hopefully we can keep 'em coming...

A king is nothing without his queen

"A King is NOTHING without his Queen"

So, the journey continues, and while I am constantly thinking on everything that I have read thus far in the book, I have to admit that I haven't been as diligent in practicing some of the principles and exercises.
I am enjoying reading the chapters that focus on self development. Right now I am on Chapter 16 "A Worthy Character". I like this chapter because it focuses on developing yourself as a person and a woman and developing character traits within yourself that extend beyond your domestic roles as a wife, homemaker and mother. In this chapter the author lists SEVERAL virtues a woman should have. I always think of the Self Improvement Study Guides written by Minister Farrakhan when I read her descriptions of these virtues, some of which are; unselfishness, charity, humility, self control and patience. As I have been reading this book, a constant theme that runs through my mind is, balance and how to achieve and maintain it in every facet of my life. When I think I am leaning too much one way, I try to realize that too much of anything, even good things, is not healthy.

This brings me to the next stage in my journey, field research. I call it that, but all I'm doing is talking to some of my girl friends about relationships. What has struck me the most is the sheer beauty and strength in black women. We take on so much in our lives, we give of ourselves as if our gifts to give are infinite. We have a bad reputation when it comes to relationships, some of it is based on truth, a lot of it comes from a negative portrayal of black women by filmmakers in Hollywood.

I was very skeptical initially, about talking to any women I knew regarding what I was reading. I thought they would all think it was antiquated and out dated and completely far fetched in handling our relationships with black men. I thought the principles from the book that I was trying to practice would be scorned and I would be mocked for thinking they work. I thought this way because these are the things I thought before I opened up to reading the book myself.

However, I have found that sistahs have been very receptive to what I am doing and are VERY open to these principles. I have been very pleasantly surprised (as I was with my own reaction once I started reading). I am finding that black women of a certain maturity level (and I'm not talking about age), but those who have experienced life and worked on relationships, are open and receptive and in agreement with the principles of F.W. I am learning that there is another type of black woman out there that doesn't get portrayed in movies and on t.v. with the ever popular smart-mouth, attitude-having, neck-rolling, ghetto queen; the old school "mama" character like Flo on "Good Times"; the educated, highly sophisticated, oftentimes saditty, black woman; and the "victim" sistah that can't catch a break, is always being abused and falling for the wrong kind of man. Then, there is that woman out there that we fail to see. She is down with you for whatever, up for the challenge of being a domestic goddess, being your friend, having your babies and supporting you through thick and thin, but fed up with you all at the same time! She is a queen in her own right, but her life and relationships lack balance. This is the woman I encounter most often.

All of our women have great potential, as do our men. Some women however, tend to express their godly qualities in different ways. These are women who love and cherish their men despite his shortcomings. These are women who have a high self worth and value themselves, their time and their efforts in a relationship. These are also women who have experienced first hand the unfortunate and continuing affects of the "Willie Lynch Syndrome" on black people in this country. We cannot negate this as a relevant factor in our relationships. Because of what was done to us during slavery, we have been reared outside of our nature as men and women. We have been functioning on an inferior level and our relationships suffer. Most times we end up with the "baby boy" scenario in varying forms of intensity, where we are the caretakers of our children and our men, because they have been robbed of the necessary knowledge and skills to take care of themselves in a world like this, never mind taking care of us or their offspring. Our men struggle in this world, even the "good ones" who seem to have it all together, and we are made to feel superior to them despite the struggles we face ourselves. We are imbalanced.

Most black women I talk to, like I said before, are very open to the ideas of praising their man, appreciating him, giving to him and being devoted to him, but the comments I hear most are "but I'm tired of putting up with all his issues", or "what is he going to give me in return?" or "he needs to get his life together". We don't realize that we were put here to be a helpmeet to him, to help him do just that. We are in such an unnatural state of being that we don't trust one another to fulfill our needs. Our men are not in their original state of power in this world, so we often find it difficult to look up to them and give ourselves completely to them. And we have not been functioning in our original state, we have been put in a position of dominance over our men in the workplace, in education and in society, therefore in our homes we also try to dominate our men and we refuse to help him regain his proper place of authority in our lives.

I used to think it was my husband's job to change first. I thought if he became the man he was supposed to be, then I could be the woman I was supposed to be for him. I am learning that the responsibility and really the power, to change the dynamics in the home lies with the woman. Ever hear the saying, "If mama ain't happy, nobody's happy"? When we resolve to be that helpmeet and be the change we want to see, we can effect change in our men and in our homes. We concede that "a nation can rise no higher than its woman", this means that we have a profound duty to the world which begins first in our own homes. If we as black women could step back and see our men for who they are and recognize what has been done to them and see beyond that to their greatness, then we will be able to develop the patience necessary to help bring the God potential out of them.

When the slave master began the process of making a slave, HE STARTED WITH THE WOMAN. So in order to bring us back to Himself, God also had to start with the cultivation of the woman. He provided us with everything we needed, including the strength to bear the task. I am not suggesting that we subject ourselves to abuse or suffer through infidelity or profound unhappiness in our relationships, all I am saying is, if you know you have a good man but he is not living up to his Godly potential, then be patient and stick with him to help him bring out what he has inside. If he is a good man, you will be able to reap the benefits of your work and patience, he will begin to see the God in you and treat you as such.

This is what I tell my friends. Our black men need us, no one else can do for a black man what a good black woman can do. These men may think they are getting what they need elsewhere, but they are just putting a band-aid on an open wound. We complete each other, and we need them as much as they need us. All we have to do is gain the knowledge of how in order to repair our lives and our relationships, the love and desire are already innate within us. That is why I like this book, it gives a very descriptive play-by-play of how to bring out the best in a man. All we have to do is put our "sistah touch" on it and watch it work.

I see couples now with a whole new insight. I see a woman "going off" on her man, and I think 'oh man, if only she would just say to him...he would probably see it her way'. Of course the brothas have faults too, but the key is "self improvement", if each of us focused on improving ourselves, there would be no need to worry so much about the faults of our significant others. When we work on ourselves we create a proper balance in our own lives as individuals, and this translates to balance in our relationships, in our homes, in our children and we can ultimately create balance in the world, we have just that much juice!


Well, I hadn't planned to get all philosophical today, but it was on my mind to share. Now, to continue the journey....

 

Inner Hapiness

I have to admit that I've been slipping on my reading lately. I have finished the first section of part one in the book, "Understanding Men". There is so much in these chapters I have been meditating on and trying out, that I'm almost reluctant to keep reading. I have slipped up on some occasions and gone back to old habits, but at the same time I have also made good progress on some things. It's like a two steps forward, one step back sort of thing.
I am working on maintaining a workable routine for household chores. When I am home I don't like to spend the entire time cooking and cleaning, so sometimes I have the house together by the time my husband gets home and sometimes I don't. I am working on giving him more compliments, I strive for at least one SINCERE compliment a day (sometimes it ends up being more like every couple days depending in the day =). Then I do it at unexpected times and he always seems so happily surprised. Also, I have pretty much cut out nagging, that was the easiest habit to break. I use my replacement tool for that, replace one negative thought about his actions with a positive one from something good he's done. And lastly I am working on how I talk to him and the language I use. I think about the effects what I say will have on him and on us.
So, now that I have all these things to work on for him, the next section in the book is "Inner Happiness". Although I was feeling a little reluctant to keep reading with so much to work on, I am excited to get through this section and enjoy some work on myself.
So far I have read chapter 15 in this section of the book, Andelin outlines seven ways to find your inner happiness:
Fulfilling your domestic role, developing character, giving service, doing creative work, accepting yourself, enjoying simple pleasures and the aquisition of knowledge and wisdom. Beautiful! She closes this chapter by saying "the love of a man is essential to a woman's happiness in a complete sense, but not to the inner happiness I refer to. In fact you must first find inner happiness before your husband can really love you. Men all over the country are turning from their wives to someone else because their wives are unhappy." Deep huh? And we thought we were unhappy BECAUSE they turned elsewhere. Remember the safety rules on an airplane, put your mask on first...if you're not breathing, you can't do anything for anybody else.
Since taking care of self is so important, when I got to this section in the book, it took me a while to understand why Andelin didn't put this section first. Then I realized that as wives, sometimes we take the "self first" mantra and run with it. So the section on understanding men is sort of a snap back to reality. A wake up call that says " hey, you're on the wrong road here, think about him too!". That first section helps you identify the problem areas in your marriage and shows you how to correct them. This is very beneficial, while you are working your own happiness you are mindful of your spouse and children and you won't do things to upset your home inadvertently.
So I'm looking forward to working on me...for me. It's good to know that all of the ways to gain inner happiness that she listed will ultimately have a positive affect on the whole family. In doing things to create your happiness, you won't have to feel guilty about neglecting anyone else.