A king is nothing without his queen

"A King is NOTHING without his Queen"

So, the journey continues, and while I am constantly thinking on everything that I have read thus far in the book, I have to admit that I haven't been as diligent in practicing some of the principles and exercises.
I am enjoying reading the chapters that focus on self development. Right now I am on Chapter 16 "A Worthy Character". I like this chapter because it focuses on developing yourself as a person and a woman and developing character traits within yourself that extend beyond your domestic roles as a wife, homemaker and mother. In this chapter the author lists SEVERAL virtues a woman should have. I always think of the Self Improvement Study Guides written by Minister Farrakhan when I read her descriptions of these virtues, some of which are; unselfishness, charity, humility, self control and patience. As I have been reading this book, a constant theme that runs through my mind is, balance and how to achieve and maintain it in every facet of my life. When I think I am leaning too much one way, I try to realize that too much of anything, even good things, is not healthy.

This brings me to the next stage in my journey, field research. I call it that, but all I'm doing is talking to some of my girl friends about relationships. What has struck me the most is the sheer beauty and strength in black women. We take on so much in our lives, we give of ourselves as if our gifts to give are infinite. We have a bad reputation when it comes to relationships, some of it is based on truth, a lot of it comes from a negative portrayal of black women by filmmakers in Hollywood.

I was very skeptical initially, about talking to any women I knew regarding what I was reading. I thought they would all think it was antiquated and out dated and completely far fetched in handling our relationships with black men. I thought the principles from the book that I was trying to practice would be scorned and I would be mocked for thinking they work. I thought this way because these are the things I thought before I opened up to reading the book myself.

However, I have found that sistahs have been very receptive to what I am doing and are VERY open to these principles. I have been very pleasantly surprised (as I was with my own reaction once I started reading). I am finding that black women of a certain maturity level (and I'm not talking about age), but those who have experienced life and worked on relationships, are open and receptive and in agreement with the principles of F.W. I am learning that there is another type of black woman out there that doesn't get portrayed in movies and on t.v. with the ever popular smart-mouth, attitude-having, neck-rolling, ghetto queen; the old school "mama" character like Flo on "Good Times"; the educated, highly sophisticated, oftentimes saditty, black woman; and the "victim" sistah that can't catch a break, is always being abused and falling for the wrong kind of man. Then, there is that woman out there that we fail to see. She is down with you for whatever, up for the challenge of being a domestic goddess, being your friend, having your babies and supporting you through thick and thin, but fed up with you all at the same time! She is a queen in her own right, but her life and relationships lack balance. This is the woman I encounter most often.

All of our women have great potential, as do our men. Some women however, tend to express their godly qualities in different ways. These are women who love and cherish their men despite his shortcomings. These are women who have a high self worth and value themselves, their time and their efforts in a relationship. These are also women who have experienced first hand the unfortunate and continuing affects of the "Willie Lynch Syndrome" on black people in this country. We cannot negate this as a relevant factor in our relationships. Because of what was done to us during slavery, we have been reared outside of our nature as men and women. We have been functioning on an inferior level and our relationships suffer. Most times we end up with the "baby boy" scenario in varying forms of intensity, where we are the caretakers of our children and our men, because they have been robbed of the necessary knowledge and skills to take care of themselves in a world like this, never mind taking care of us or their offspring. Our men struggle in this world, even the "good ones" who seem to have it all together, and we are made to feel superior to them despite the struggles we face ourselves. We are imbalanced.

Most black women I talk to, like I said before, are very open to the ideas of praising their man, appreciating him, giving to him and being devoted to him, but the comments I hear most are "but I'm tired of putting up with all his issues", or "what is he going to give me in return?" or "he needs to get his life together". We don't realize that we were put here to be a helpmeet to him, to help him do just that. We are in such an unnatural state of being that we don't trust one another to fulfill our needs. Our men are not in their original state of power in this world, so we often find it difficult to look up to them and give ourselves completely to them. And we have not been functioning in our original state, we have been put in a position of dominance over our men in the workplace, in education and in society, therefore in our homes we also try to dominate our men and we refuse to help him regain his proper place of authority in our lives.

I used to think it was my husband's job to change first. I thought if he became the man he was supposed to be, then I could be the woman I was supposed to be for him. I am learning that the responsibility and really the power, to change the dynamics in the home lies with the woman. Ever hear the saying, "If mama ain't happy, nobody's happy"? When we resolve to be that helpmeet and be the change we want to see, we can effect change in our men and in our homes. We concede that "a nation can rise no higher than its woman", this means that we have a profound duty to the world which begins first in our own homes. If we as black women could step back and see our men for who they are and recognize what has been done to them and see beyond that to their greatness, then we will be able to develop the patience necessary to help bring the God potential out of them.

When the slave master began the process of making a slave, HE STARTED WITH THE WOMAN. So in order to bring us back to Himself, God also had to start with the cultivation of the woman. He provided us with everything we needed, including the strength to bear the task. I am not suggesting that we subject ourselves to abuse or suffer through infidelity or profound unhappiness in our relationships, all I am saying is, if you know you have a good man but he is not living up to his Godly potential, then be patient and stick with him to help him bring out what he has inside. If he is a good man, you will be able to reap the benefits of your work and patience, he will begin to see the God in you and treat you as such.

This is what I tell my friends. Our black men need us, no one else can do for a black man what a good black woman can do. These men may think they are getting what they need elsewhere, but they are just putting a band-aid on an open wound. We complete each other, and we need them as much as they need us. All we have to do is gain the knowledge of how in order to repair our lives and our relationships, the love and desire are already innate within us. That is why I like this book, it gives a very descriptive play-by-play of how to bring out the best in a man. All we have to do is put our "sistah touch" on it and watch it work.

I see couples now with a whole new insight. I see a woman "going off" on her man, and I think 'oh man, if only she would just say to him...he would probably see it her way'. Of course the brothas have faults too, but the key is "self improvement", if each of us focused on improving ourselves, there would be no need to worry so much about the faults of our significant others. When we work on ourselves we create a proper balance in our own lives as individuals, and this translates to balance in our relationships, in our homes, in our children and we can ultimately create balance in the world, we have just that much juice!


Well, I hadn't planned to get all philosophical today, but it was on my mind to share. Now, to continue the journey....

 

Inner Hapiness

I have to admit that I've been slipping on my reading lately. I have finished the first section of part one in the book, "Understanding Men". There is so much in these chapters I have been meditating on and trying out, that I'm almost reluctant to keep reading. I have slipped up on some occasions and gone back to old habits, but at the same time I have also made good progress on some things. It's like a two steps forward, one step back sort of thing.
I am working on maintaining a workable routine for household chores. When I am home I don't like to spend the entire time cooking and cleaning, so sometimes I have the house together by the time my husband gets home and sometimes I don't. I am working on giving him more compliments, I strive for at least one SINCERE compliment a day (sometimes it ends up being more like every couple days depending in the day =). Then I do it at unexpected times and he always seems so happily surprised. Also, I have pretty much cut out nagging, that was the easiest habit to break. I use my replacement tool for that, replace one negative thought about his actions with a positive one from something good he's done. And lastly I am working on how I talk to him and the language I use. I think about the effects what I say will have on him and on us.
So, now that I have all these things to work on for him, the next section in the book is "Inner Happiness". Although I was feeling a little reluctant to keep reading with so much to work on, I am excited to get through this section and enjoy some work on myself.
So far I have read chapter 15 in this section of the book, Andelin outlines seven ways to find your inner happiness:
Fulfilling your domestic role, developing character, giving service, doing creative work, accepting yourself, enjoying simple pleasures and the aquisition of knowledge and wisdom. Beautiful! She closes this chapter by saying "the love of a man is essential to a woman's happiness in a complete sense, but not to the inner happiness I refer to. In fact you must first find inner happiness before your husband can really love you. Men all over the country are turning from their wives to someone else because their wives are unhappy." Deep huh? And we thought we were unhappy BECAUSE they turned elsewhere. Remember the safety rules on an airplane, put your mask on first...if you're not breathing, you can't do anything for anybody else.
Since taking care of self is so important, when I got to this section in the book, it took me a while to understand why Andelin didn't put this section first. Then I realized that as wives, sometimes we take the "self first" mantra and run with it. So the section on understanding men is sort of a snap back to reality. A wake up call that says " hey, you're on the wrong road here, think about him too!". That first section helps you identify the problem areas in your marriage and shows you how to correct them. This is very beneficial, while you are working your own happiness you are mindful of your spouse and children and you won't do things to upset your home inadvertently.
So I'm looking forward to working on me...for me. It's good to know that all of the ways to gain inner happiness that she listed will ultimately have a positive affect on the whole family. In doing things to create your happiness, you won't have to feel guilty about neglecting anyone else.

The Olympics

When I started this little blog thing here, I was hoping to have pages and pages of inspirational stories of success to help inspire our sisters to put forth the effort to make their relationships magnificent. 
It started off that way, but I guess I'm doing what the book doesn't, showing the gritty process of getting to those inspirational stories of success. The book shows you the end result of someone's hard work, toil and pain. It doesn't show you the slip ups, mistakes along the way, arguments, or the ups and downs of the process. I am not sure if what I am inspired to do and write is really real life and what happens in a lot of relationships, or if it's just me. Either way I hope I it helps someone.

It's 2012 in London, England and some of the most inspirational stories come out every four years during the Olympic games. I listen to these stories each time, and some of them are so moving and so amazing you think the person just has to be super human or a super hero. It's hard to imagine such great talent, drive and vigor coming from someone who maybe grew up just like you, or had even less, but somehow made a way out of sheer will and determination. One thing that seems to reign true for each of these athletes is the fact that they don't focus very much on the negative in their lives. They will tell the reporters about the practice where they fell, or tripped or sprain something, but if you listen to them, they breeze past these stories. They are more anxious to tell the stories of how they nailed a triple flip on the mat, or beat their best record in years on the track. Those are the tales that make them beam, and those are the ones they carry with them into competition. The negatives, the failures and the short comings, are learned from, filed away and forgotten.

This thought crossed my mind as I was sitting in the car complaining to myself about how badly it needed to be cleaned. I started to get upset with my husband because I felt he could have cleaned it out on one of his days off. But just as I started to "go there", I thought about the first chapters of F.W. "Accept him", including his faults and short comings. Also, the chapter on appreciating him earning the living. I thought about how hard he works during the week, and how I'm sure he just wants to relax on his days off. I calmed down, (did a woosah), then I decided on a new tool for myself...for every one thing that I come across during the day that my husband does that bothers me or gets on my nerve (gotta love him), I will compare it with something that he has done of good, like getting up on a scorching Sunday morning to mow both the front and back lawns. I will focus on the gold, settle on the best part, keep my eyes on the prize, all that good stuff, then I will employ the F.W. principles (since that is what this project is supposed to be about) and keep it moving. Whew, crises averted!

Until next time,
A work in progress!

Dealing with difficulty

I think it goes without saying, that anything of any real value has a difficulty factor attached to it. The birth of a child, the start of a new business, the purchase of a home, the strengthening of self - mind, body and spirit and the development of a healthy relationship are all very valuable in life. Everything that we place a hefty value on, we have to work at it to achieve, obtain or perfect it, and sometimes that process can be difficult or even painful.

Since the difficulty in the process is to be expected, what can we do to get ourselves and our spouses through those times over to the other side? What coping methods have you applied in your life to get you through the tough moments with your spouse as you strive for a perfect union?

My past methods/mistakes include but are not limited to; the silent treatment, writing lengthy letters, the "attitude" (minus the black girl neck roll, lol) and the "let's just have it out right now" *discussion*, which often leads to the "I've been holding this in forever" argument. I can look back on these methods now and shake my head at myself. How juvenile and unproductive these were. Though I do not in any way proclaim to have "arrived", I think I have grown up a little and I am trying out new ways of handling my upsets and disappointments when it comes to my husband.

Chapter 8, "The Leader", talks about  how to let your man be the leader and ways to give feminine advice. I find these are often the source of much of our discord. Husband makes a decision about something or says how he wants something to be done and I don't agree, and thus we have a potential problem on our hands. How should you handle this type of situation? The author of F.W. gives eight steps on how to let him lead; let go of control, honor his position, be adaptable, be obedient (no frowns or snippy comments), present a united front (to the children) and support his plans and decisions. These are important to help keep peace and order in the home, and they ensure things run smoothly.  But what if there is a decision that you just can't support? Or what if he plans something that you feel will hinder plans you have made for yourself or your children? Step eight says to assert yourself, because there are times when you should speak out. "Whether he invites your opinion or not, assert yourself honestly, and if necessary, strongly." But remember ladies, if you are married, "you don't have the final say, but you do have a say." She goes on to give methods of how to do this, many of which I have been using lately, including thinking things through in your own mind first. Think: are you considering his needs, are you being unreasonable or selfish, are you considering his motive, etc.
Next she says to pray about it, some may also use meditation, calling on a higher spirit to guide you in what you need to say and to help you see things more clearly. Then go to your husband in confidence, don't shrink. Tell him you have thought about it, prayed about it and now you would like him to think about it. *like*
Then there are the cases when you need to be the "counselor", because we are that too. Sometimes we have to step up and help our men make some difficult decisions for the family. I like step three in "How to give feminine advice" in the same chapter. She says to express insight when giving advice, meaning use language that indicates insight when you talk to him such as; "I feel", "I sense", or "I perceive". It can be difficult at times for a man to take advice from a woman, even if he asked for it, so it is important to do this in a mindful way so there is no misunderstanding and he can see what you're saying more clearly. There is really no argument for how one feels or what one senses or perceives, so it is better to come from this direction. He can put up a good argument for what you say you think or you know. I like that bit of advice and I can bear witness to its validity.
The other steps in "how to give feminine advice" include; ask leading questions, listen, don't appear to know more than he does, don't be motherly and don't talk man to man. These are all explained very well and in detail in the book.

So, in my "big girl" years, I have tried these tactics for dealing with disagreements with my husband.

Reflection - I think about why he did what he did. What was his purpose, motive and intention for making that decision. I also think about why it has affected me so negatively. Am I really upset over this current situation, or could it be that it has just triggered something from my past that I had a negative affect on me. (Once, years ago, I had an ex tell me to "stay in my place" in front of all my friends. To this day that phrase makes me hot!) In instances like this, I have to relax and calm down, because maybe he has no idea that he just triggered something in me.
Reflecting on the situation also helps me to see my role in how things are playing out. If I stop and think about it, I can look at myself and see my mistakes and shortcomings. It may be that I caused the whole upset to begin with, or it could simply be a misunderstanding. I can look into the situation from my husband's perspective to see his intentions. This helps me to see past his faults or his delivery to see what he really meant to do or say.
And finally, after reflecting, if I still find that I need to say something, I can come up with a proactive way to handle it so that it doesn't lead to an argument or anything else that will disrupt our peace. In other words, I can think and act calmly and rationally which will hopefully lead to a positive and productive outcome.

Venting - Sometimes, I do vent. Those times when I want to yell and scream because things to me are just that bad, I vent. It is not right to vent your personal business or bad mouth your husband to your family or friends, nothing good can come of this. But, if you like to write (as I do) a journal can work wonders! I used to save them, but when I looked at them later, sometimes I couldn't even remember what I was upset about, and those weren't the kinds of things I wanted to be left in the atmosphere. So now when I'm done writing, I destroy the pages. (Ripping stuff up can help on its own =) Occasionally, I still write him that long letter that tells him just how I feel. Sometimes I even think I'm going to give it to him. Then I reread it to make sure I got it all out, and mostly I end up tossing it. (He hasn't gotten a letter like that from me in a long time =). If anything from the letter still lingers, I may or may not decide to bring it up later when we can discuss it calmly.
Another way I vent is to myself. Sometimes when I'm really upset I'll start cleaning, and I'm just talking and fussing and venting the whole time. Sometimes this backfires, because if I come across a dirty sock of his in the wrong place or something, it just fuels the flames! =) But you get the gist of it, whatever you gotta do to keep the peace. Then by the time he gets home, I'm tired of venting and I don't even want to talk about it, and if I still do I can bring it more calmly than if I had just called him and let loose at the moment of impact!

And last, I "Just do it" - Sometimes I have nice ideas of things I want to do for my husband floating around in my head. I keep them there and wait for the right moments to try them out. Some days I can get into a mood where I'm upset or frustrated and all that negative energy is directed toward him, for whatever reason, sometimes it's his fault sometimes not. It's times like this, when I'm just randomly upset, that I pull out one of my ideas to try. This way, I can channel my energy towards something good. I'll focus on making the house immaculate, redecorate a room, try a new recipe, fix myself up in a new way or even just workout (who wouldn't like a wife who's calm AND toned, hehe). I do something he would like and that makes me feel good too. The last time I felt this way, just recently, I made him a warm bath with candles and oils. I left him in the room to relax and I went and did the same. When he was done we were both relaxed and chill and he never knew that I had been fuming a few hours before =)

Now, NONE of this is to say that we do NOT have a right to get angry or speak our minds. Min. Farrakhan teaches that if truth comes from the mouth of your wife then you have an obligation to submit to the truth she speaks. It is our obligation to deliver that truth in a way in which he can easily accept it, and I have found that it is very difficult to even come to that point of realizing the truth of a matter when you are all wound up and upset and emotional. We can disagree with our husbands, give our opinions/advice and even argue, as long as it is in the best manner. It is better to keep the peace until you have come to the right conclusion on how to deliver what's on  your mind.
So now with a big, WOOSAH! and a prayer, the journey continues...